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Food Riots in Zamalek

Routine

Ever wondered what Hassan Hassan is doing/thinking/saying/hating at any given moment? You're in luck!

07:30-08:45/09:15/10:00: Still alive. Fuck. Ok, no sudden movements you might crush the dog. Where is he even? He’s on the pillow obviously. Don’t lick my ear. Don’t lick my mouth. Morning breath and dog do not a good combo make. Good morning, good morning, good morning! Ok you can lick my face. Let’s make coffee and get you a milk-bone. Hi other dog. Hi house. I hate my life. I hate everything. Is waking up something that has to happen? Oh my fucking god, what happened to my face? When did I get hair? What is this place? Where am I? Why is there no Splenda? Whatever I’ll just spend the rest of my life fat and lonely. Oh I am fat and lonely. Lol. I should tweet that. Not one RT? Just two likes on Instagram? Obviously no one but Kalam El Qahairah and CairoScene have anything to tell me on Facebook. Shower. Shower? I’ll just freshen up. Can I wear this t-shirt? Does it stink? No. OK, brush teeth, wash face, deodorant. I hate this t-shirt, I hate these pants, I hate this sweater, I hate all of these jeans. Fuck polos. Fuck them hard. Can I wear the t-shirt I slept in? Does it stink? No. Yes. No. I’ll wear this. Where are my jeans? Where is everything? Where is my life? Don’t scream.

09:15-18:15/19:45/20:05: Get coffee. Get cab. Get to work. Check email. Want to die. Work. Smoke. Work. Gchat. Gchat. Gchat. Facebook chat. Look at these jeans. Look at how fat I am. Look at this workout plan. It’s for so much money. Go hide in the bathroom. Eat. Work. Listen. Work. Listen. Listen. Email. Email. Look at Rihanna. Look at this bitch. Look at this fat couple. Work, work, work. Go hide in the bathroom. I can’t believe this loser. Smoke. Talk shit. Smoke. Eat. Google Amanda Bynes. Smoke. Work. Work. Oh really that happened? Kidnapped? Army? Whatever, is it in Zamalek? Do I have to go to that meeting? I think I’m ready for my midlife crisis. Should I buy this t-shirt? Eat. Work. Email. Email. Email. Are you picking me up? Are you picking me up? When are you picking me up? Should we eat? What should we eat? Where should we eat? I want to be HEALTHY. But I really wouldn’t mind chicken fingers. Definitely fries. How many calories are in honey mustard?

Binge.

20:30-22:30: shower.

22:45: What day is it? What show can I watch? Why is everything ending? No Project Runway/Fashion Star/ Survivor? Fuck my life. Is Big Rich Atlanta back? Big Rich Texas? Why am I just big and not big and rich? Should I eat? Is 10:30pm too early to sleep? Is there a party I should be at? Everyone is really annoying. Am I cool? Am I annoying? Was I ever cool? What is cool? I must have friends. Where’s my phone?

00:00: How is it midnight? Who was I even texting? What is texting? Was I sexting? Hahahaha as if. I’m so funny. Is it wrong to stream Chopped? Am I streaming a show that comes on the Food Network? OOOOH M&M’s. I wonder what the mystery ingredients in Chopped will be? I hope it’s M&M’s. What the fuck is rhubarb? How many calories are in rhubarb? I hope I don’t sleep on any M&M’s. Stay awake till dessert, Hassan. Is rhubarb like a potato meets a radish? The main course has anchovies? Fucking hate anchovies… Canned spaghetti… How the fuck are they going to use fish in a dessert?

07:45: Still alive. Fuck.