STDs, Suicide and Shaabi Sex

Mr. Mosh-Killa,

How do I stop my family from talking politics without killing them or myself?

Moe

You can explain to them that if they decide to be wholly apolitical, nothing will happen, the masses won’t stop being conned by governments, the rich won’t stop getting richer, the education system won’t get better, but they personally will be able to live in peace and by their own hand, knowing that modern day politics is a façade, a circus, a stage, led by capitalist greed. But wait, isn’t that what the government want? Apathy and not caring about politics so that the powers can be can run free and wild? Oh dear, what a conundrum. Anyways try a bit of chloroform on cloth and gently squeeze against parents mouth and nose.

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Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa

I love my boyfriend very much, but every time we have sex he puts on Shaabi music which ruins the atmosphere and turns me off. How do I get him to change the playlist?
D.

Firstly, stop having sex with Oka and Ortega. Secondly, you are a woman who I assume posses this wonderful treat called a vagina which gives you the power in terms of whether or whether or not the sex will take place. Thirdly, on thought, Shaabi music is probably amazing to have sex to. Fuck Barry White, all those fast-paced scattershot melodies are bound to heat things up. Fourthly, if a baby is conceived during the Shaabi sex session I imagine that baby will be saye3 neek.

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Mr. M-K,

I think I got crabs from a chick at the Yasso. How do I get rid of them discreetly, and is there way of avoiding STDs at the club?

Ihab

Don’t have sex with Oka and Ortega.

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To  Mr. Mosh-Killa,

I suffer from severe amnesia and can't wait to vote for Field Marshal Sisi.

There's a niggling doubt in my mind that tells me I shouldn't, am I forgetting something?

Ahmed

Your son has been chloroforming you.

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Mosh-Killa,

I've had power cuts twice in the past week; there are gas shortages and the traffic/road closures mean I'm coming very close to having a psychotic episode during my daily commute. Where should I move to?

Soraya

Tahrir, with a few million others.

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Dear Mr Moshkilla,

It's coming up to Valentine's Day and nobody loves me. Where can I purchase high quality rope?

C

Alfa Market maybe? Good luck.

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Dear Mr. M-K,

Who let the dogs out?

Dalia

Brian Ferry.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@cairoscene.com or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla