Saturday 3 of December, 2022
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Spoilt Little Bitch

After hurtling through most of her life on a mission to climb every mountain, our resident Bitch has decided to slow down and enjoy the view. Well, sort of…

Staff Writer

If life had a fast-forward button, I think I would’ve pressed it by now. I don’t know about you, but having to wait around for anything - from a cheeseburger to divine inspiration - has always been one of the hardest things in the world for me to do.

I can’t even count how many times in my life I’ve stretched my arms out to the heavens and screamed, “Dear God, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO TAKE SO LONG??!!” And yes, I mean out loud… like in public places! Don’t judge me though, because it’s not just me that’s impatient. It’s you as well! I’m sure you’ve all done that thing where you scroll down really fast to the bottom of the screen to see how long this post is going to be before you even start reading it! Oh yeah… I’m on to you! Thing is, we all live in an age of instant coffee, high-speed internet and fast-food, so no way in hell am I the only one that walks around huffing and puffing when, heaven-forbid, I have to wait longer than five seconds to get something that I want. 

And it’s not that I’m spoilt… we’re all pretty damn spoilt. We all live in an age that values results over the process that needs to happen in order for us to get the desired outcomes. As a result we now live in a society where everyone wants to be a ‘star’, with very few willing to put in the work required to get noticed. People want to get out of debt without having to curb their spending or change their lifestyles in any way. People want others to be there for them without having to return the favour. And, of course, we all want the world to be a better place, as long as we don’t really have to go out of our way to fix anything. Particularly if ‘fixing’ something means having to drive around Cairo during rush hour. Fuck no!

So we sing along to Heal the World by Michael Jackson and Imagine by John Lennon, since ending global poverty is a long-ish sort of process, and we just rush over to Starbucks instead and yell at the guy on the counter because we didn’t say tall, we said a grande Caramel Macchiato with skimmed milk, an extra shot of coffee and no extra caramel, to go.

And, once we’ve had our dose of caffeine and we are now able to contribute to the welfare of the world (it’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it) we call our friends from the car to talk about how cute Brad Pitt looked carrying that orphan in Africa, and how him and Angelina Jolie (who is smoking hot still by the way) are going to change the world. All the while you’re driving at 130 kilometres an hour and cussing out the truck drivers on the ring road because they’re blocking the fucking road and driving TOO DAMN slow or TOO FUCKING FAST.  FUCKING MORONS!!!

Like I said, we’re all pretty damn spoilt. We’re spoilt and we’re always in a rush! Not a good combination.

I remember a simpler time, before Miley Cyrus went mental and started dry-humping everything in sight, when I would sit there and listen to her song The Climb from that shit Hannah Montana film she did (which yes, I have seen unfortunately!) and it would soothe my anxiety.

There’s always going to be another mountain.

Sometimes I’m gonna wanna make it move,

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

It’s not about how fast I get there

(blablabla something else in the middle)


And in those moments, Miley calmed my growing anxiety. I felt like Miley understood what was happening to me (ironically, since no one can quite figure out what’s happening to her these days!).

Back then, in those moments, it didn’t matter that I had a bucket list longer than the Declaration of Independence that I wanted to get through asap; or that I was re-writing a script that I had been working on for 10 years hoping desperately that this time I would get it right; or that I had been hoping and praying for the better part of my life that I would get to do what I’ve always wanted to do: be a performer. And you know why it didn’t matter? Because Miley convinced me that it was all about the fucking climb and that it was my fault for not learning to enjoy the bloody view!!!

As you can tell, I’m still learning to enjoy the ‘bloody view’.  I’m also trying to learn to slow down and take things as they come.

But every once in a while I go crazy! I lose my head and I end up buying an organiser, a diary and a carton of ice-cream in an effort to get my life back on track. I hijack my sister and employ her as my personal assistant (“Go make me some coffee… I’m working!”) and I start mapping out my life, meticulously analysing, assessing and chastising myself for everything I’ve done wrong and for every detour that has led me away from achieving my dreams. I also beat myself up, a lot of the time, for not having changed the world by now. (Where the fuck is that coffee, you useless piece of shit? There are lives at stake!! You call yourself an assistant!!!???)

I’ve recently worked out, however, why it always feels like I’m not getting anywhere. In my own personal life and in the unexpected madness of routine that forces you to keep running your course and blinds you to all else, I now realise I have forever evaluated myself based only on concrete results!  

My bucket list is a catalogue of absolutes but it doesn’t take into account the skills that I am slowly picking up overtime that will enable, empower and strengthen me to go ahead and accomplish the big things I’ve always had my eye on. I never thought of taking into account that perhaps some things (and they’re usually the things worth having) shouldn’t be easy to obtain or happen quickly or haphazardly.  Anyone who’s crash-dieted only to have the weight return immediately afterwards can attest to that! But again, that’s something that I’m only now learning to appreciate.

Realistically-speaking, and despite the way we’ve been taught to rush about like middle-aged men running away from a prostate exam, when we hurry the task at hand or do a half-assed (no pun intended) job in order to get to where we want to go faster, we don’t really end up getting what we want anyway. And often times, it can do more harm than good, on a number of levels.

What’s sparked all of this you may wonder? Well my birthday is next month. I won’t go too much into it, but according to my initial plan, I should’ve been a big actress by now, with a couple of best-selling books on the market, a loving husband by my side, and a Grammy on my mantelpiece.

And as you know, none of those things have happened yet. So normally, my birthday would be the opportune time for me to listen to Lana Del Ray and her bucketfuls of misery on repeat in my room and drown myself in my own tears. This year, I think I’m just going to count my blessings and thank God, that there isn’t an actual fast-forward button on my life.

Oh I’m also going to pray for Miley Cyrus.  Join me, won’t you?