Saturday September 23rd, 2023
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The Guide to a Perfect Day of Tanning in Egypt

Summer is upon us and though that might be fun, organising a beach trip can be seriously stressful. Luckily, Hassan Hassan is here to help you get your shit together and return home a bronzed beauty.

Staff Writer

When I have a tan, I don’t give a fuck. The world could be crumbling around me and I would be looking for some cocoa butter to make sure that I wasn’t peeling when the bomb hit my house. It’s bordering on a slight obsession and could very possibly turn into skin cancer, but I don’t care. Nothing compares to tan lines and brown skin and hot summer days and crisp white sheets and that general look that you have with sand in your hair and are naturally skinny and spend your life flitting along the beach. It’s an excellent look for me.

Since I am so obsessed, I have decided to share this information. I am doing a public service, because I want everyone to be tanned and look like they are naturally skinny and flitting around the beach. So without further ado, here is your ultimate guide to getting baked (literally and metaphorically).

The night before: Locate a friend with a beach house and or pool. This can be awkward and tricky, but should be handled with finesse. You miss them. You love them. You really want to spend time with them. Once you have secured a location, shave (for men, your face and whatever else you want, ladies, wax everything) and then stay up really late (you’re going to need to pass out a lot the next day).

9am: Call everyone. If you don’t start now, you’ll get there at 2pm.

10am: Someone is going to be driving. Show up at their house. Get them to call everyone. Tell everyone that you will leave without them. Buy vodka and beer. Mixers are secondary.

11am: Get to the beach. Rip your clothes off immediately, you are doing this to deflect attention from awkwardly removing your clothes in front of your judgey cunt friends and also to run to the water. Make sure you have a lit cigarette, because all you are going to do is get in up until your ankles and yell “IT’S FREEZING!” while everybody else sets up the vodka and locates mixers. Ain’t nobody got time for set up.

11:10am: Swim. Sea water is a natural exfoliator and you need to get all of that salt on your body so the sun can burn the shit out of you.

11:15am: Apply sun stuff. Let me tell you about these products. This Lancaster tub is a liar, it makes you look brown when you’re on the beach and then you shower and you’re whiter than ever. Also, don’t use white people products like Banana Boat or anything with an SPF. They are for fair fuckers that wrinkle at 26 and need protection. You’re fucking brown you idiot, so what you need to do is use Luna. It’s for LE12.50 and literally makes you golden. Trust me on this, that shit isn’t FDA approved, which means it works without any restrictions. It might give you skin cancer, but you look like Gisele, so…  Your friends will scoff, make faces to one another behind your back and make fun of you for using it. On the way home they will compliment your colour and you will flip them the bird.

11:30am: Chug a beer. Pass out.

12:30pm: Chug a beer. Turn over. Pass out.

1:30pm: Balbat.

1:35pm: ‘Can you get me my drink and a cigarette?!?!’

1:45pm: Gather your friends over for an intimate conversation on the shore. Position yourself so you are facing the sun while this is happening. Talk animatedly and drink vodka. Never ignore where the sun is going and make sure the conversation doesn’t veer away from your actual goal of making sure your face is burning and will in a couple of days perfectly highlight your nonexistent cheekbones.  

2:00pm: ‘Can you get me another drink!?!?!’

2:30pm: Lather more Luna.

2:35pm: SHOTS!

3:00pm: Pass out.

4:00pm: Yell at someone and then swim. Be careful to only go where your feet are touching the sand. You’re drunk. (Once my friend and I got really wasted and decided to ‘swim out to the buoy! It’ll be SO FUN!!’ and we got fucked for 45 minutes – half an hour of which was actually crawling – trying to get back to shore.)

5:00pm: Talk about all of the food you’re going to eat while lying down in the sand.

5:30-6:00pm: Locate everything (mainly your phone); try to get the sand out of your ass. Eat everything.

8:00pm: You don’t know what happened at all today. That’s OK. Pop a Claritine to ease the burn, have a shower and use an intense amount of baby oil moisture (use the aloe vera one) to lock in as much and then wash your hair and for the last two minutes let the cold water blast. You will want to pass out. Don’t, you’re going to have to get used to this, this is how you’re showering for the rest of the week/month.

8:30pm: Vomit.

8:45pm: Brush your teeth. Lather entire body in Palmer’s Cocoa Butter. You will smell like a black person. This is ok. These people have great skin because nothing happens to it and that is most likely because they use Cocoa Butter. Think about it.  

9:00pm: Pass out.