Thursday June 20th, 2024
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The Cairo Hangover Guide

What do you do when the urge to vomit, roll over and cry is overwhelming? CairoScene has got you covered from the best brunches to what you should keep by your bed...

Staff Writer

The Cairo Hangover Guide

Ahh alcohol, we love you so. Why don’t you love us back? We’re remained eternally faithful to you, drinking you and only you, diligently night after night, weekend after weekend. You’re the main squeeze in our lives, YOU’RE OUR MAIN BOO YA VODKA. But instead of reciprocating our lurve, you fuck us over with horrific hangovers every time. And every time we drink, we’re like, I’m older and wiser now, I got dis,  IMMA CONQUER THIS HANGOVER THING. No, no you will not. You will go to bed (and by go to bed we mean crawl on top of your covers, fully clothed) thinking your mattress is about to take flight, and you will wake up feeling like an elephant took a giant dump on your head. So we’ve compiled a guide to help combat the horrors of the hangover.

Abou Ramez is your best friend. There’s a reason this famed Mohandesin shawerma shop stays open until 5 AM. That reason is vodka. After a night of binge drinking, there’s nothing like a giant greasy shawerma. Science says it soaks up the booze. By science we mean us.

Make sure your bathroom has a comfy rug. It will come in handy when the inevitable nausea kicks in and your stomach rejects all the alcohol inside it and you have to keep stumbling to the bathroom to puke. Sometime, it’s easier just to give in. Forget the dignity of sleeping in a bed. Just curl up on your bathroom floor until the next wave of nausea decides to arrive and throw your head in the toilet.

Pill popping is a solid plan. Not those kind of pills, kids, the nice FDA-approved pharmaceutical kind. You can never have enough Panadol.

WATER! Now this is a tricky one. If you drink too much the night before or the morning after it just adds liquid to your stomach and enhances the nausea. If you don’t drink enough, you’re dehydrated and your head feels like it’s telling you death is imminent. But you will get thirsty at night. You will get so thirsty. Try and drink a glass of water between every drink. HAHAHAHAHA. As if you’ll ever remember to do that.

The cause is the cure. You can’t get a hangover if you don’t stop drinking. The next morning, head over to the nearest bar and resume drinking. Or like, be classy and do brunch. See next point.

Hangover brunch is just the best. Head over to the Marriott gardens for some sunshine, sausages, omelettes with oodles of cheese, and other brunchy things. Not a lot of people know this, but brunch, was in fact, invented for hangovers. Not really, but we’ve decided it was. It gives you enough time to sleep in, but gives you all the glory of a big-ass breakfast. Plus booze.

If you’d still like to enjoy a hangover brunch, but you feel like sunlight is just not something you can handle at this time, find your way over to Blackstone Bistro in Zamalek. Indoors; no sunshine. But they have epic eggs benedict.

If your hangover is so bad that crawling out of bed is so difficult you’ve contemplated just peeing yourself, go with it. Not the peeing part – please get up and pee. There’s a certain level of dignity one hopes never to sink to. Just don’t move. Embrace the darkness. And order in. Pizza Hut and McDonalds are there for you. Your room will smell of greasy takeout and lost dignity but you’ll feel better.

Jobbat. A joint a day takes the hangover away. Or at least it dilutes it a bit and replaces it with a smokey haze of nothingness.

Every mind-numbing TV show ever created is also your friend. Keeping Up With the Kardashians is the perfect hangover day show. Truly.

If you don’t have the luxury of the weekend, and you have to schlump into work looking like you rolled out of your grave, well, it’s a fucking hard knock life.