The Importance of Truth
The truth might set you free but it can also flood you with feelings, as Karim Rahman finds out in his latest attempt at finding true love...
The truth will set you free. In most cases, this simple (yet, paradoxically, super complicated) concept could make you feel better. Secrets are a burden; carrying around the weight of something you know and you want to talk about, yet have absolutely no way of conveying or no means of actually letting it all out can be frustrating, depressive and downright stifling, especially when that secret involves your feelings towards someone else. But, when you think about it, isn't this entire concept kind of selfish? Telling the truth, letting it all out may be relieving to the person putting it on the table, but do people actually take a moment and think about the repercussions coming forward with your feelings could have on the other person, the recipient of said feelings?
I'm waxing poetic about the whole honesty concept. To tell you the truth, it's mainly because I'm trying to justify the insanely stupid decision I took and I'm trying to make myself feel better one way or another. Rule number one of dating: don't fall for your friend. If that rule is broken, then kindly proceed to apply rule number two: don't tell said friend about those forbidden feelings. I know these rules perfectly well. So how, in the name of all that is holy, did I manage to break those two very simple rules in the span of two months? To clarify, I made my feelings about Engineer very clear to none other than Engineer in person.
In my defense, it was definitely not my idea. Engineer kept pushing and prodding, pressing all the right buttons until I finally managed to blurt it out one Friday afternoon, in the corner of a very distasteful Heliopolis branch of Coffee Bean. What makes matters even more infuriating is that the only response I was met with was a very cursory "I know. In fact, I've known for a while now." Since we're all about the truth telling today, I'm going to be honest and say that I did feel better as soon as I said it. Two months of accumulated feelings and pent up frustrations and mixed signals were finally out in the open; I can't take them back now. Immediately following on relief's heels was instant and utter regret. Engineer was a person I cared about, and not just as a crush, but as friend, an individual who has become an integral part of my life in a very short span of time. My fears of Engineer making an exit from my life, stage left, however we're completely nullified. In fact, they were met with the exact opposite of what I feared might happen. Turns out, it was Engineer who feared I might bow out, and made it quite clear that my disappearance was certainly not the desired outcome of that little heart-to-heart we had over rapidly cooling cappuccinos. I thought things had worked out better than expected; I could breathe more easily now... Until I couldn't, because everything went horribly wrong the very next day.
To say that Engineer had become distant would be a severe understatement. I was met with cursory glances in my direction if I was to speak, and no words were actually directed to me, just said in this general, "I'm-speaking-to-the-room-and-not-you," manner. Sure, I knew there was a lot going on in Engineer's life at the time (my revelations certainly did not help lighten the burden), but I couldn't make sense of this. We were literally just fine 24 hours ago; what could have happened to make things change so drastically and so quickly? I'm used to Engineer's little mind games and manipulative mind fucks (think Chuck and Blair, but with less money), but I discovered that I was done playing those games. They were fun when we both knew that there was something being left unsaid, lingering between us, but now that everything was out in the open, I couldn't stand playing those games anymore. I wanted solid facts; I wanted answers and I wanted them now.
In most situations, telling the truth will indeed "set you free," but only to a certain extent. For one, you won't have to constantly and carefully watch what you're saying, when you're saying it and how you're saying it. Not having a secret to keep means being more comfortable and truly letting the true you speak out. On the other hand (which is the point most people tend to forget), you're going to have to deal with the repercussions of telling the truth. You're going to have to be able to handle what you said, and take responsibility for how your truth affected your recipients. My truth telling did nothing to free me; I actually feel like vomiting 70% of the time now, and I constantly want to punch puppies, repeatedly, and then proceed to drink their blood.
But isn't that what love is?