Saturday 10 of December, 2022
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Things I Learned From Being Kim Kardashian

With Kim Kardashian looking to pocket a $200 million from her new mobile game that asks players to flirt their way to the top of the Hollywood food chain, Hassan Hassan picks up a few pointers.

Staff Writer

I like to think that I am a connoisseur of pop culture. I know that saying things like “connoisseur” when pop culture consists of Real Housewives, Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars is a testament to how shitty pop culture is today. It’s dark times for connoisseurs apparently. So, naturally when Kim Kardashian was releasing a game, my friends tagged me in her video post (I don’t follow Kim on Instagram but I visit often. I do this to keep obsessions in check. I do the same with Fifi Abdou, because I would literally think of nothing else) and I laughed but had zero intention of downloading the game.

Before I carry on, I should tell you that I’m not entirely sure how to feel about Kim. She confuses me because the smart part of me finds everything she stands for disgusting, but then the hustler plastic person in me is all like, what a bad bitch to turn a sex tape into an empire. The girl is set to bank $200 million (two hundred MILLION) for this very game we’re talking about, so I don’t know who wins exactly. She’s also really fucking annoying, but I feel at least she is as genuine as she can be despite the annoyance, plastic surgery and being a complete fake bitch. I’m a big believer that sometimes the fakest bitches are the realest because they are unashamed of their fakeness. They’re so fake, it’s real. Does that make sense?

I’m not big on games, I don’t get why someone would spend so much time and energy clicking things and swiping things and looking at candy instead of eating it. It doesn’t make sense to me. But it was Ramadan and I woke up on a Saturday at 8:30am. Most of the people I know were asleep, fasting or in a different country. I didn’t have shows to watch. I didn’t have any films I could be bothered with. It was an insufferably hot day with very little to do but sit in the AC. I really didn’t have a choice but to download Kim Kardashian Hollywood.

So I downloaded it without knowing exactly what Kim would expect of me. Would I have to direct my own sex tape? Would I have a virtual big butt? Will I have to milk her? First of all you have to make a character. Should I be male or female? Let’s look at all of the combinations first. The women were all kind of insane. You can choose eyes, eyebrows, lips, hair colour and skin tone but you can only have Nicole Richie purple hair when you reach level 9. It’s basically being a virtual plastic surgeon. I made a pretty good character that kind of looked like me, put him in the most basic outfit (white t-shirt and jeans, everything else was expectedly tacky) and started on my ‘journey to celebrity.’ Here is what I learned:

It is a really sickening to be inside Kim’s brain. The game starts in a boutique called SOChic and Kim saunters in and then we become besties. Naturally she immediately hooks me up with a manager and a publicist (Simon and Maria respectively). This teaches you that all you need to do to get ahead is choose the right outfit; it doesn’t matter if it is for you or someone else. Appearance is all that matters.

There is such a thing as an E List.

You have to conserve your energy. Posing requires seven energy lightning bolt things, and reacting to a backdrop change requires five. What should I do? Pose or react or fall asleep? Quick Kim, help me!

“Dating someone famous is a good way to get noticed!”

Always answer when Kim, Simon or Maria calls.

“Dating costs money but it’s a quick way to level up!”

Fuck love, make money. I was halfway through a date – only to raise my profile, naturally – before Kim casually told me that I was tired and out of energy and had to wait for it to replenish… OR I could buy 50 Kardashcoins for $9.99 (this is a problem I also have in real life).

People are only good for two things. Your options when you run into other people in Kim’s world – from plumbers to celebrity stylists – are only network, flirt or leave. Basically humans are only good for fucking or money.

Plane tickets to Miami are only $15. Alternatively that snazzy jacket when you hit level six costs $345.

Charm doesn’t cost money, it costs 20 Kardashcoins.

Even if you are on the E-List you have to have your birthday party in Las Vegas.

A plane ticket to Vegas costs $17 but you don’t have to pay anything for the party. Oh, no wait, I have to hold a bottle of vodka and take a group picture. That would be six energy lightning bolt things for vodka and five for group picture so I need to sleep (not play) for half an hour.

When can I afford to pay $2000 for my condo? I’ll get 20 Kardashcoins!