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Top 10 Worst Inventions

We really can't believe they exist...

Bra gas mask: Why protect your breasts when you can’t breathe? Wait, what?! That’s probably what went through the mind of whoever it was to invent this proof of man’s devolution. In the event of an emergency, you are instructed to unhinge the bra, separate the cups, and place it over your head, allowing you to breathe easy once more. If only we’d have known about these babies during the Tahrir days, although perhaps then we’d have had to deal with a crime of a different kind…

Smile detector: In 2009, the Japanese Keihin Electric Express railway workers were subjected to morning smile checks. This was done using a machine that would analyse and rate their smiles from a scale of zero to 100. The idea was to enhance productivity by bringing a positive attitude to work. We wish this was something out of a dystopian novel, but sadly, the smile detector was invented in real life :(

Pet rock: Exactly as its name suggests, the Pet Rock was a pet that was a rock. What started out as a bar room joke between friends, quickly escalated into the idea to make a millionaire out of American Gary Dahl. Him and his buddies were complaining about pets and what a hassle they were to manage and groom. That’s when Dahl made the joke of having a rock as a pet. Years later (1970s), he managed to market the idea and sell rocks that came attached with leashes and fully packaged in boxes that resembled those used for real life animals. It was initially a raging success (no surprise there, ahem, American consumers haven’t known to be the brightest crayon in the box), but soon lost its novelty until it went out of stock entirely. 

Crocs: A fact you may not know is that upon the eve that Crocs were launched, a flurry of suicides took place, all of dedicated fashion designers who realised that their lives added up to nothing because somehow we live in a world where Crocs are actually a fashion statement. We’d like to argue they are more like a fashion question mark, the kind that asks the question, “Did you choose your Crocs because you grew up in a box?”  Bottom line: They are ugly as fuck. Nothing you say or do will make them any better, not those hideous stick on thingies, nor lame attempts to bring stylistic changes. Ugly! Ugly! Ugly!  

Tamagotchis: Just because we all had them, doesn’t mean they were any less ridiculous. Let’s be honest, it was a digital “pet” that didn’t really do much. We spent ages waiting for the little egg to hatch, then had to treat this little inanimate eye-sore of a bastard nicely or else it died on us. To make matters worse it came equipped with a clock that made that annoying ass beeping noise. Now that we look back, kids playing with their digital pets might as well be on par with a grown man conversing with a sex doll. 

Baby cage: Not that the inventors got too creative with the naming of this one, the baby cage was literally a cage that could be hung outside of crammed apartments, and was meant to hold babies. To think we gave poor MJ all that smack about his little stunt. But then again, apparently the cage was child proof in that it ensured the baby couldn’t get out. Thank God this one didn’t last on the markets too long, but the fact that it existed ever is surely deserving of a face palm. 

The firebox: We all know or know someone who knows someone who pulled the old “let’s set off the fire alarm to get out of class” trick, or the “let’s set off the fire alarm to kill old Mr. Jenkins with his mangy heart condition” trick– okay just kidding, the latter wasn’t really ever a “thing.” Regardless, back in 1938, the Firebox was a fire alarm that physically trapped the hand of whoever pulled on it, only releasing them when the police arrived. Needless to say, while this might have been the best way to trap mischievous teens, what about the poor old heroic chap who probably got barbequed for trying to save the day?

Goldfish walker: All owners of fish, do you ever feel like you don’t belong at your local annual pet convention (who are we kidding, zis is Masr)? What with all the happy campers showing off dog tricks or cat purrs… Well, thank God for the UK’s invention, the Goldfish Walker. It allows you to place your fish inside the portable aquarium, which also has wheels, and take that little rogue of a fishy out to see the big bad world. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to live in a world where “I’m just going to take my fish out for a walk,” is a real phrase that could actually happen…(Disclaimer: we ARE being sarcastic, if you are seen walking your fish, it’s safe to say that you’re damn weird.)

Privacy scarf: In a world where life revolves around our technological gadgets, privacy is a mounting concern. But thank God for the privacy scarf, we can dispose of all such fears! This ingenious work of stylistic art wraps around the user’s head and can be attached to a phone, iPod, or computer screen, VERY effectively blocking anyone else’s view from seeing what you’re doing. We believe this would certainly make the lives of cyber café porn addicts a lot easier. Although honestly, it makes you look like a deranged condom. 

Men’s brassiere: A bra. Made for men. We have nothing else to say.


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