Thursday March 28th, 2024
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Truth About Mother’s Day

This week, the funny Sally Sampson encourages us to cut the crap and realise what Mother's Day is really all about...

Staff Writer

It was Mother’s Day on the 21st of March, as you know, unless you accidentally decided to shut out the world and completely black out for the whole of that Thursday...

Now, I know it’s the cool thing to not really be into any commercial holidays – after all, it is systematic extortion forced upon us by a capitalist world order that ruthlessly takes advantage of things like ‘our feelings’ and ‘our humanity’ to twist our arms into pouring money into this well-oiled machine that doesn’t stop for anyone… But I have to say… I totally buy into it. I’m such a sucker for that shit.

However, with Mother’s Day, there are only so many times I can sit there and listen to Mama by the Spice Girls without wanting to pull my ears off in a gracefully swift, albeit very painful, motion. And here’s why… Nothing against the Spice Girls or mothers. Both are pretty awesome, in my opinion.

I think mothers need to be honoured, loved, cherished, and respected every day, and not just that one day in the year, where, in a grand gesture, you give flowers to the woman who gave you life as a way of saying thank you. That’s like giving a high-five to someone who just donated their kidney to you.

And we all know what ends up happening: you and your mother dismally watch those flowers for the following week as they sit in a vase looking sad, withering away, only to die shortly thereafter, when you are promptly reminded that that you just spent far too much money on something that has done absolutely nothing for you or your mom in the long run (or the short run, to be honest).

Seriously, I don’t get why we buy flowers for our mothers on Mother’s Day! If we all took a moment to reflect, we’d realize how retarded it is.

This is the woman that carried you in her body for nine long months, like a massive shit that wouldn’t pass through her system after a big meal at a nasty Chinese food joint. She discovered that her vagina could actually expand to become a giant gaping black-hole, as she was gently soothed into pushing your big fat head out. She’s had to nurse you, wipe your ass, teach you to walk and talk, threaten to knock the breath out of you when you’ve been the little shit that she always suspected you to be and what does she get?

“Happy Mother’s Day, mom! Here’s a bouquet of overpriced flowers to make up for all of that. I’ve given you high blood pressure, scared the shit out of you countless times by being reckless and broken your vagina, but I hope this makes up for it.”

The only way that bouquet is going to be of any use is if she is allowed to bludgeon you to death with it! And don’t tell me it’s the thought that counts. Save that bullshit for someone who’s ready to buy it.

Anyway, as I was saying, I like Mother’s Day.

After all, I love my mother, even though we’ve both reached a point in our lives where we’re thinking of hiring a translator, because even though we both speak the same languages (I often speak a weird babble of Arabic and English that terrifies unsuspecting onlookers), far too much is lost in translation. Maybe I should try interpretive dance…

This year I’ve decided to do something different for my mother (and boy, oh boy is she pleased…not!): I’m cutting through the bullshit, as I always do!

My mother and I… We are both insane women! And I mean insane in a ‘you need to be institutionalized because you’re bat-shit crazy’ kind of way. It’s endlessly amusing and fairly endearing really. The truth is, I can’t get through the whole sappy traditional Mother’s Day stuff without feeling like Taylor Swift telling us that she doesn’t really date that many men, i.e. like I’m a liar!

My mother, like most mothers, is a phenomenal woman! The woman is fierce and when she is determined, she can do anything! She is an unstoppable force of nature, which in certain contexts can fuck me off majorly, but I completely admire her for it. She is independent, she has a hard exterior, but is softer than cookie dough on the inside and she is proud of her children! My mother is a trooper and I love to celebrate that.

HOWEVER, that is not the whole picture; that is one side of her. And herein lies my problem with Mother’s Day or rather with the way in which we celebrate Mother’s day.

I don’t want to celebrate my mother as a goddess or a woman who can do no wrong! I don’t want to paint her in an idealistic light for naïve onlookers to marvel and sigh in wonderment as they ponder her as a legend. I want people to know my mother as the inherently FLAWED human being that she is and celebrate her for it! I want to rejoice in her achievements and in her failures!

I want my mother, and all mothers, to be seen for who they are without holding them to some ridiculous ideal that exists nowhere in reality. I want to stop the bullshit, because mothers make mistakes and we shouldn’t have to hide that or feel like we have to ignore the things they did wrong along the way in order to honour them.

I don’t want to make up a fake mom in my head and then share her with the world. I’m perfectly happy with the current version sitting at home, looking at me from head-to-toe on a daily basis and telling me that I’ll never married. I’m happy to admit that my mom and I scream at each other so loudly, day-in day-out, the neighbours have sound-proofed their homes. I am proud to state that my mom once looked at me unblinkingly and screamed into my face that unless I got my act together fast, I was going to be possessed by demons.

I’m a psycho and my mom is a psycho! And I wouldn’t have it any other way! So I am going to celebrate that! Here is a list of 10 Top Mental Things my mother has said to me over the course of my life.

10)[Upon telling her that I wanted to be an actress at the age of 14]: “YOU WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE???!!!”

9) [Attempting to talk to her again about the acting thing]: “The only way you’ll ever be able to get a role is if you sleep with the director.”

8 ) [Asking her about dating boys]: “It is against our religion.”

7) [Telling her about wanting to be an actress again]: “Maybe one day, you can work for Oprah.”

6) [Asking her if she ever had any crushes on boys]: “No.”

5) [Attempting to tell her about a crush that I had in Grade 8]: “It’s just hormones. If he talks to you, run away. Or tell me, and I’ll beat him with my shoe.

4) [Casually]: “You have a big bum and big boobs. I don’t know where you get it from. Not from my side of the family. I was very thin before I got married…not like you! You’ll never get married like this.”

3) [Asking her about slow-dancing at my Grade 10 prom]: “No slow-dancing with boys. It is against our religion!”

2) [Interrupting me whilst I’m passionately talking about women’s rights]: “Why is everything always ‘vaginas’ ‘vaginas’ ‘vaginas’??!! What’s this?”

1) [Giving me words of wisdom before I went to study acting in London]: “Sally, I trust you! So two things: You do not lose your virginity and you do not become a lesbian! “

Happy Mother’s Day to every mother. Let’s cut the crap! We love you for your accomplishments, but even more so, for your flaws.  XXX