It's wedding season and you're single. To compound your dilemmas, here's a list of awkward situations you'll definitely find yourself in.
It’s wedding season! It’s mating season! It’s the time of year when sales of dresses and tuxedos spike! Let’s celebrate the love, the life ahead, and the heart breaking reality of experiencing all this when you’re cripplingly single. Here’s a compilation of some of the moments that help break our hearts as we become acutely aware of growing older, and of feeling alone.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
That brilliant moment when your friend tells you they’ve sealed the deal, and they ceremoniously ask you to be a bridesmaid. Here is when you get to practice your poker-face skills, the tight smiled experience when you thank God that tears can be signs of happiness as well as sadness. You’re syllables become a little too enunciated; “Oh-My-God! Ha-bib-tyyyyy, I am sooooooo (one too many ‘o’s) happy for you!”
Everyone’s sleeping at the hotel for the occasion. Who do I room with?
It ain’t a dry wedding, meaning it’s going to be a great evening; worthy of the cash you’re willing to spend in order to spend the night at the hotel. Except that you realise you are the only single lady left – and therefore in the market for a single bedroom. This is when you begin to realise that pop singers are full of shit. It isn’t at all as glamorous to be single as they make it out to be. But hey, at least that means you get all the alcohol to yourself from the room bar.
The first dance and ensuing tears.
It’s probably the most anticipated moment of the night; when the bride and groom step out looking like the ending scene of Cinderella. She’s a vision in white, he’s the epitome of charm. A beautiful melody permeates the crowd and flashing lights frame the couple as they waltz their way into a new life. Those creepy candle ladies have disappeared and now is when you see him singing in her ear, holding her like every girl wants to be held. But then there’s you; cupping your hands over your quivering jaw, shedding embarrassing tears of happiness and sadness all at once. Where is my happy ending? (in the Disney sense, not the GQ magazine type).
As if your private musings aren’t enough to make you aware of your singledom, you have to smile and wave at a plethora of people wishing the blessing of marriage upon you next. You almost feel like yelling back at them; ohhhhh I wonder why I didn’t think to just get married already? Oh, that’s right, it’s probably because my love life resembles a cheap rip off of Cirque de Soleil, a version performed by crippled hounds with a spare tire in the junk yard.
First at the bar/buffet.
You walk in, entirely eclipsed by the glamour of all the other girls who are wearing the same colour as you. It’s okay, you’ll be fine as long as you have your old faithful to lean on. Obviously, the bar. And if this isn’t enough, you might as well be confused as an usher with the amount of time spent by the buffet. Fuck it, let’s all eat our feelings.
Trying to catch the flowers.
Every girl pretends to not actually give a shit about the bouqet, but the truth is… we all want to catch that little symbol of fate and good tidings. Most of us don’t even indulge in the catching process, and that’s probably because of the risk involved in actually trying and failing to catch the flowers. Can we just take a second to say: how embarrassing! Imagine emulating Tyrell Owens trying to catch the flying flowers, then falling flat on his face, spraining his ankle in the process while simultaneously trying to climb out over a dress turned over. So classy, so desperate, so single.
Last one on the dance floor.
That moment when everyone has pretty much retired to their rooms, but the music is still blaring. Beyonce’s anthem, Single Ladies, starts to play and there you are front and centre, flailing your arms to the endless glory of an empty venue. This is when you realise the sound of your solo heals, and try to make a quick and inconspicuous exit without drawing too much attention. Then again, there’s no one left to notice.
When you’re caught with a different person in every shot of the live video.
So the party is over, the hype dies down, and a couple of months pass. You get a phone call from your two-month pregnant home girl saying she has finally got a copy of the wedding video and is hosting a showing at her casa with “the girls.” But, we all know the girls actually means all the other girls and their significant others. The video starts to play and of course, everyone is looking for themselves on the footage. That’s when you realise that you are dancing or chatting to a different person in every frame of the video. Someone makes a snide comment about what a social butterfly you are. An awkward giggle and a long sigh later, you become painfully aware (yet again) of what an unfettered balloon your love life is. More wine? YES PLEASE!