Tuesday 6 of December, 2022
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8 Essential Skills for the Apocalypse Every Egyptian Needs

Just to be on the safe side, you will want to add these 8 survival skills to your personal arsenal.

Staff Writer

With the proliferation of new crazy diseases, mad scientists, and nuclear weaponry, the sci-fi geek in us is thinking it would not be insane to entertain the possibility of a human-made apocalypse hitting the world anytime soon. Maybe our writers have just been watching too many movies lately, but regardless... we took the liberty of making sure all we all know exactly what we need to do here in Egypt to survive if Kim Jung Un and Donald Trump randomly woke up one day and decided to blow up the world for no apparent reason, or if a viral toxin transformed half our population into flesh-eating zombies.

1. Switching from Snapchat to snapping necks
(Photo: Wikipedia)

There is a variety of different skills that every person should know in case of an emergency occurring that would require them to utilise these learned abilities. Common knowledge like being capable of starting a fire from minimal resources, setting up a tent/shelter outdoors, applying first-aid techniques on an injured person, and tying sturdy knots are all skills that are taken for granted in the contemporary world. Kids these days barely know how to cook up a bowl of macarona for themselves let alone how to survive in the wild, and all these Sahel-going, 1,000-second-Snapchat-story having, excessive-spray-tan-using people will be the first to perish when it starts to go south. You can save your child from being eaten. Enroll them at Sahara Survival School so they can learn to scale mountains, cure their friends when they have been infected by zombies, and channel their inner dreams of being apart of the Man vs Wild TV-show. A less harsh alternative would be The Egyptian Boys Scouts and The Egyptian Federation for Girl Scouts who not only will teach children these skills but get them involved in the community and environment so they can help stop an apocalypse from happening in the first place. Make sure your child is not going to be the type to start taking selfies with Kim Jung Un's missiles as they rain down from the sky, but instead will retreat to the wild and know exactly how to stay alive. 

 2. The elixir of life

Although you may routinely hear that “no water is as pure and tasty as that from the Nile” from Egyptians, it is no secret that for many there's an insane dependence on bottled water. Many people in recent years have been poisoned from drinking tap water, and if you are going to be avoiding incoming missiles and struggling for your very survival the last thing you will want is diarrhea. Luckily for us, our very own researchers at Alexandria University have invented novel technology that can purify and desalinate water in just a few minutes. Through pervaporation techniques, you can utilise cellulose acetate, a compound that is extremely abundant in Egypt (in rocks and plastics), to clean your water by simply just depositing it in the water. Researcher Ahmed El-Shafei says that “using pervaporation eliminates the need for electricity that is used in classic desalination processes, thus cutting costs significantly”, which will be extremely helpful since the power supply will most likely be cut off during the apocalypse (meaning you won’t have access to your Instagram).

3. Mad-Maxing it
(Photo: Pinterest) 

Outrunning apocalypse wagers (zombies, parasites, missiles, etc.) is extremely difficult, especially when the only exercise you participate in is running to the fridge to secure the last piece of cake. That’s why you will need to be on wheels in order to avoid being caught slow-footed by any of the countless looming threats. The concerning thing though is you won’t be able to call up Sobhi El Mechanichi during the apocalypse because he has most likely either been converted into a wrench-swinging zombie himself, or he is halfway across Egypt in his last customer’s vehicle. For that reason, it is incredibly important that you learn the basics of auto-mechanics so you can easily switch up your oil and tires when you wake up to the realisation that half your windshield and front tire have mysteriously corroded. Make sure to sign up for a auto mechanics workshop if you don’t already know how to switch out parts in your car, or even easier (and cheaper) ask your local car repair man.

4. A girl's gotta eat

(Photo: Wikipedia)

Mastering gunmanship is important not only for protecting yourself from the mayhem that will ensue, but crucial for hunting for food. Forget the days of going to Welad Ragab or Oscar Market to grab food, because they have each been blown to a thousand tiny smithereens. True you can set traps around Cairo, but those will likely only catch poor stray dogs and cats (if there any left), forcing you to eventually pick up a firearm and take your talents to the wild. To ensure you can feed and protect your family at all costs, you will want to enroll in classes at the the Egyptian Shooting Club where people are trained in how to use a gun, aim, and hit targets. Apart from feeling the satisfaction of eventually hitting the bullseye after practicing hard, you will be prepared to blow anyone's head off who comes near you when sh-t goes down.

5. Back to basics

(Photo: World Shields) 

Much more substantial than hunting, farming is the most efficient way to feed yourself as well as your loved ones. On top of providing you with food, raising and tending crops will help with producing cotton that can be used as clothing, various herbs for medicinal purposes if someone happens to get hurt, and tobacco because Egyptians cannot survive without their cigarettes. Luckily for you, many farms across the country such as Habiba Organic Farm (HOF), offer volunteer programmes in which you can learn the ropes from professionals. If nutrients in our soil are depleted and traditional farming does not work, you can also learn hydroponics, a method for farming that utilises solely water. This new, more environmentally friendly technique, is spreading in Egypt with organisations such as Egyptian Hydro Farms also offering volunteer programmes. It’s time to go back to our ancestral Egyptian roots and get the plow and shovel out.

6. Prepare for a Waterworld type of situation
(Photo: Pxhere)

According to unidentifiable sources, apparently zombies can’t swim. So in times of trouble, the Nile will become a weary survivor's best friend, allowing you to seek refuge in its calm waters from the attackers. However you won’t want to get drenched in thousands of Egyptians’ piss or contract Bilharzia by swimming, so it's best to learn how to kayak. Kayaking will allow you to not only bring food and supplies abroad but also make sure your phone doesn’t get water damage. Hit up the Nile Kayak Club, they do weekly kayak rides not only for advanced paddlers but also beginners. Aside from it being loads of fun, it will also serve as your floating home for times when terrestrial life is just not a possibility.

7. Repopulating *wink wink*


With the steady depletion of the human population you cannot depend on your fiancée surviving, and thus it is important to polish your game off by learning various dances in case you need to court a possible mate. Keep in mind, it is no longer so congested and overpopulated in Cairo and people healthy enough to reproduce are limited, so you need to make sure you demonstrate the necessary traits that will attract a partner. Attracting a mate is crucial because if you are unsuccessful, your family line could potentially go extinct! The Cairo Contemporary Dance Center offers lessons for dances ranging from hip-hop and jazz to the waltz and salsa, so you can add as many courting techniques as possible to catch the attention of another last survivor. It’s survival of the fittest, and only the most charming scavengers will be able to have their name live on.

8. No one wants to end up in Libya

(Photo: Blogspot) 

The days of the GPS are long gone (not that it ever worked that well in Egypt anyways), and your only method for navigating around the Egyptian terrain will be by following the stars. Unfortunately the big dipper, little dipper, and north star all look exactly the same to an untrained eye, and if you aren’t well-versed in astronomy you might just end up in the middle of the Sahara and we'd prefer not to mention what could happen to you there. Courtesy of Astro Trips, you can not only go stargazing under the beautiful Egyptian sky, but also learn about how to identify various distinct stars that will help you orient yourself when on the run. This will come very handy when you need to travel from one place to another.