Wednesday February 28th, 2024
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Sheikhs Say the Sexiest Things: A Few Funky Fatwas Worth Remembering

Human rights violations, mass genocide, trafficking and nuclear war pale in comparison to somebody having sex with their clothes off.

Staff Writer

Generally speaking, fatwas (or Islamic rulings) are meant to guide pious folk towards the straight and narrow. Scholars from all corners of the religious world come together to study the ramifications, implications and rationale behind any given topic before issuing any form of religious edict, and rightfully so; close to two billion people (and probably more) are eagerly waiting for your call on this and that.

Other times (the most memorable ones), our valiant sheikhs shirk all variety of impending doom to talk about how fornicating with a corpse isn’t totally haram, among other things. From breastfeeding adults to their stance on dildos, these are just a few examples of our scholars’ vested interest in all things sensual.

Private Indecency - 2006


Religions, in all their varieties, shapes and forms, encourage folk the world over to be a bit more modest with their choice of clothing. Perhaps one of the few things that folks from across the tolerance spectrum can agree on is that public indecency is annoying at best. But behind closed doors, and between two consenting (and married) adults, indecency is part of the fun. Queue the abortion of logic that is the statement uttered by ex-dean of Al-Azhar’s faculty of Sharia (Islamic law) Rashad Hassan Khalil; saying that “being completely naked during the act of coitus (one of the best words in the English language) annuls the marriage.”

You heard that right, Mahmoud and Iman; your lawful marriage is as good as dead because neither of you had the common decency to put something on when you bumped uglies last Thursday night. You couldn’t just tear a few strategic holes in your garbs? You just had to go and ruin a perfectly good marriage with your hanky-panky. Obviously, this “decree” was panned heavily, with fellow Islamic scholar Abdel Muti dismissing the fatwa entirely, claiming that “Nothing is prohibited during marital sex, except of course sodomy.”

Maternal Bonding - 2007

Raising a child from infancy can be (and very well is) a hellish ordeal of extremely malodourous proportions, and making sure your compact bundle of eldritch horror stays well fed can be quite the daunting, toothy task. Breastfeeding a child is essential for their physiological development in both body and mind, but it shouldn’t really go past two years of age, yeah? So it wouldn’t be too brash an assumption to say that Dr. Izzat Atiya, head of Al-Azhar’s Department of Hadith, may have not been appropriately weaned off. The good doctor’s hypothesis claims that, in order to improve cooperation at the work place, and to curb sexual harassment while he’s at it, female colleagues should (god help us all) breastfeed their male colleagues. Soothing their fervent man-rage, and providing them with enough valuable nutrients and proteins to pacify their base human instincts.

How often should women do this? Oh about five times a day at the very least, lest they ruin forming a strong, milky maternal bond with their male colleagues and inciting even more undue sexual harassment. "Breastfeeding an adult puts an end to the problem of the private meeting, and does not ban marriage," going (somehow) further to add “A woman at work can take off the veil or reveal her hair in front of someone whom she breastfed."

There are no words.

Get It While It’s Warm - 2012

Mental illnesses and fetishism aside, there should never be any sort of link between the death and sex, period. But if common sense was the norm in the world of Fatwas, this article (and many others unfortunately like it) wouldn’t exist, for better or worse. So it was an honest (and mortifying) surprise when “Dr.” Sabri Abdel Raouf, a religious preacher and an Azhari professor, popped up on satellite TV channel LTC, claiming that the act of sexual intercourse between a man and his (freshly) deceased spouse is not strictly haram. "It's an unusual, unnatural act, but it's not unacceptable in our religion,"Echoing the same sentiment that Sheikh Abdel-Bary Al-Zamzami – Head of Morocco’s Association for religious jurisprudence and research – pioneered back in 2011, saying that “the Islamic faith permits the act of coitus with cadavers, so long as both parties are bound in wedlock.”

Needless to say, Sabri got the boot from appearing on any televised segments and even radio shows both public and private, despite the professor’s claims of his words being misconstrued. Some pretty bold claims coming from somebody as creative as he is. On the plus side; dude thinks that oral sex is A-OK, so long as you don’t drop your kids off where they don’t belong.

Slow Your Roll Soaad - 2017

Fellow preacher Soaad Saleh had her own two cents (pre-devaluation) to share about the state of sex-oriented fatwas at the time, how could she not? She’s as much a scholar as any of these other…individuals. The proud preacher fought valiantly against the necrophilia-driven statements of Dr. Sabri Abdel Rauf, claiming that as soon as a spouse expires, they fall instantly out of wedlock, becoming invalid.

But a happy ending is not in any way part of this article, and to prove this; Soaad emphasised the validity of engaging in sexual intercourse with animals. Yes, sex with speechless, unaware animals of any variety (those poor turtles). In addition, she has also touched upon the use of sexual aids (plastic dicks); saying that they can be quite the positive impact on any married couple’s sexual routine, acting more as a supplement to strengthening their relationship.

We’re only cautiously on board with one of those, but what you choose to do is your own damn business.

ERROR - 2018

So long as it is tangible (or even intangible), man will find a way to forsake it beyond any conceivable measure. This is something that you should have gleaned this far in this mistake of an article, but the depths of human depravity know no bounds. Case in point; TV preacher and religious ”personality” Hozaifa Al-Maseer seems to think that there’s nothing inherently adulterous or haram about engaging in sexual intercourse with Sophia the robot, hold that thought for just a second.

Sophia, an advanced AI housed in a human shell, is a testament to the kind of technological advancement humanity is hurdling ever so slowly towards. She has feelings (to a degree), she formulates her own thoughts, learns as she goes and is an actual Saudi citizen, with all the rights that that entails. Now, a question presents itself; does this sentient android have the right to consent to anything sexual? Is it just a glorified toaster with no real emotions or will? More importantly, why in the fuck would anyone be interested in banging Sophia? According to the good preacher, “It’s an all-metal robot, it doesn’t know how to have sex or where to do it,” further adding “It’s no different than a machine or talking home appliance, it just looks like a woman.” So this is how Terminator actually happened

No wonder we’re all turning to apostasy if this is what we have to live with. With the way things are looking, there won’t be any shortage of fabulous fatwas from the Muslim worlds brightest.