Will.I.Am Not Impressed

Today one of the team insisted that I watched Will.I.Am’s new music video for #ThatPower featuring Justin Bieber. I obliged. Now, I am not one to mindlessly join the anti-Justin Bieber bandwagon – the kid’s talented, decent voice, blah, blah, blah. Will.I.Am, on the other hand, is an idiot and one of the douchiest douchebags in the history of music. He dresses like a futuristic transvestite, steals other people’s songs and uses hashtags in the titles. This new music video is a shiny example of mindless douchbaggery in the music industry today. It is easy to watch these videos and take them at face-value or as abstract pieces that shouldn’t be read into, but no. I’m going to sit here and analyse the shit out of this cultural catastrophe because I genuinely want to know what they were thinking…

Right. So it starts off with Will.I.Am driving through a futuristic tunnel in an enlarged toy car of some kind; the car of douchebags of the future. He then stops inside a tunnel for no apparent reason and then, all of a sudden, there are 20, synchronised Will.I.Ams getting out of BMWs like douchebags. They then start walking forward in slow motion. The slow motion is not for effect, but the only plausible way that BMW would be get the screen time they requested when they plopped a bag full of money on to Will.I.Am’s  douchedesk. It starts to get really interesting now, Will.I.Am (the original Will.I.Am, not one of the other 20 Will.I.Am Nots) gets out of his car and puts down a box baring illuminati signage that opens up to reveal a holographic Justin Bieber. Why Will.I.Am has a box with a Justin Bieber hologram inside it and why he leaves it to soullessly dance in an empty tunnel is never fully explained. I guess when you have that much money you can do what you like, and Will.I.Am chooses to put a holographic Justin Bieber in the middle of a tunnel and then drive off. Holographic Justin Bieber’s dance moves and hand movements have absolutely nothing to do with the lyrics or the melody, but  he is left looking like a surprised, arthritic victim of rape. But let’s move on…The Will.I.Am Nots are back, controlling the Justin Bieber hologram while teleporting to different locations around the world. I assume they are all looking for their integrity. Well, I’ll tell you what – you’re not going to find it in a CGI china with Justin Bieber on every screen. Keep looking. And I’m sorry, but if I was one of those Chinese people, and saw 20 black people slowly walking down a street in perfect synchronicity, I would not nonchalantly glance and move on, I would call the police. And then… Oh fuck this. Look I tried, I really tried, I got through two minutes which isn’t bad. Just watch the rest yourself, I can’t do this anymore.