Monday May 20th, 2024
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The Egyptian Olympics

The Egyptian populace may be all in a tizzy over our two silver Olympic medals (for fencing and wrestling) but in the grand scheme of things – say you were to compare us to other countries for example – it’s a bit of a dismal result...

Staff Writer

The Egyptian Olympics

So far China has 73 medals, United States 70 medals and Great Britain 48. Even Kazakhstan is living it up with seven whole medals.

So after a quick brainstorm meeting at the MO4 CairoScene offices this morning, we have decided to petition the Olympic committee to create new sporting events that we feel Egypt would have a better chance of winning. They are as follows:

Female Nakad
Female only competitors line up in a stadium. Each is paired with a male volunteer. Woman must nag the man about the first mundane issue that comes to mind. First woman to get the man to bitch-slap her wins. 

Precision Ship Ship Throwing
Young child runs around in an enclosed space. Competitor that is able to hit child on head withship ship from furthest distance gets the Gold!

Freestyle Bargaining
Person who haggles best for the Gold medal wins it.

Much like traditional weightlifting but competitors must display a disproportionately large upper body to lower body ratio. Man who looks most like a triangle while carrying heaviest weight wins.

Sexual Harassment
Male competitors line up in a row. One average-looking modestly dressed woman is let out into the stadium and must walk past them. Male competitor who yells out the most passive aggressive insult without touching her wins.

Synchronized Spitting

Catch a Cat
Feral street cats are let loose in a stadium. Competitor who can force the most cats into akees naylon wins the Gold.

Open Buffeting
Competitor who can pile up their plate with the highest and most inappropriate mixture of foods without any falling off the plate gets the Gold.

First person to stand in a midan and topple a dictator only to replace him with a religious zealot wins.