Ah, the beach. It all seems so perfect... Until you get there.
Ahh summer; a mass exodus to the seashore. Spending endless days on the beach, basking (burning) in the golden glow of the sun; thinking that you’re tanning yourself to a perfect Gisele-esque bronze (you’re not – you look like a burnt piglet); coming out of the brilliant blue Sahel sea thinking you look like a Baywatch team member (you don’t – read: drowned rat)… Nevertheless it’s all very enjoyable. Sun, sand, and sea are just a winning combination in anyone’s book. But in Egypt it seems like there are just some people that are dead set on ruining your wondrous beach time. Why, guys, why? Why can’t we all just get along? And by get along we mean you don’t come to the beach. We’ve narrowed down 11 types of rather annoying humans you inevitable come across on the beach that just put a dent in your shore side joy.
The Abandoned Child
It seems every time we are near a large body of water there are some kids whose parents have apparently decided it’s A-Okay to let them roam around like strays. It’s not okay. They run around screaming, annoying the life out of you, or you catch sight of them in the water unsupervised and suddenly you’re like, wait – where are the large humans responsible for this little human? What if little human drowns on my watch? Must I now care for this child? What if it’s eaten by a shark? What if a mer-clan decided to snatch it and adopt it as their own? WHERE IS YOR MOTHER AND WHY ISNT SHE THE ONE DOING THE WORRYING?
The Towel Shaker
It’s a fact that when you’re by the beach, the sand just gets everywhere. So let’s all come together as a human race and not make it worse for each, yeah? We’re talking to you, girl who’s carelessly shaking off her towel like el ba7r beta3 papi. Stop shaking your sand on over us while we’re lying here peacefully, minding our own business. We all have to coexist on this stretch of sand. Do your part. No one likes sand in their face.
The Freska Yeller
Once we’ve gotten over the whole sand fiasco, we lay down again, close our eyes, embrace the peace…. “FRESKAAAAAA! FRESKAAA!” Yekhreb beitak ya 3am, you don’t need to wake the dead with your calls. We swear, we can see you, and if we want Freska, we’ll wave you down. You never see the gandofli man yelling... Follow his example.
The Short Shorts Guy
Once upon a time, short shorts were considered feminine garments. Now apparently, shabs of Egypt have decided that the hemline of their swimming trunks should continue to rise until you can see the bottom of their scrotum. Kind sirs, we would thank you NOT to reveal your man parts to the rest of the humans on the beach. THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE (see above).
The Speakers Human
There’s always that one shella that has that one shab that brought his speakers and is proudly playing his music really, really loudly. On a beach that is shared by many. It’s usually khabt. But sometimes it’s radio hits. Whatever it is you are playing, lest you think the rest of the people on the beach want to hear it, please understand, they don’t. Everyone wants to listen to their own music but when yours is reverberating across the entire damn Hacienda lagoon, we are all secretly praying your speakers electrocute you. You’re very cool, your speakers are very big. The volume of your music will not make your penis bigger.
The Yogi Meditator
On the other side of the spectrum, there’s sometimes that human who seems to think they’re in fucking Eat Pray Love and is doing yoga on the beach. YOU ARE NOT IN AN ASHRAM. Though we can’t quite pinpoint why it’s so annoying, it just is. It’s just annoying to everyone around; you look like a pretentious dick. Do yoga at sunrise when the beach isn’t crawling with people.
The Phone Screeching Grandma
“Aywa ya Shahira, da el ba7r gameeeeel! Ah, ah! A3deen aho. El gaww to7fa, TO7FA! Ah ta3ali tab3an! Dal beit beitik! Aywa! HAHAHAHA.” Listen, grandma, this is not the first telephone ever invented where you dialled a wheel and had to yell into the mouthpiece. We can all hear you and quite frankly, we are all very displeased but you’re old so we don’t say anything. Nobody wants to know that Shahira is making molokheya tonight.
The Person Who Can’t Control Their Dogs
Dogs are lovely creatures, salt of the earth, man’s best friend. Having said that, no one wants to tolerate a dog which they do not own that will not stop barking, running around and getting sand into people’s things, or shaking the water off themselves onto humans on the beach. You do not own the beach. And then your dog starts fighting with another dog, and then it chases after scared children and they start screaming then ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. It’s just a big fiasco and everyone’s unhappy. If you can’t control your dog, don’t bring it.
The People Playing Racket
Go. Die. We all hate you and your dumb ball. You have blocked our ability to reach the sea, we have to play our own little game of duck-or-you-get-smacked-in-the-head to reach our destination. And sob7an allah, the space you’re playing in just Keeps. On. Fucking. Widening. Not to mention that incessant sound of the ball smacking against wood that could literally be used as a torture technique.
The Girl Who Won’t Wet Her Hair
Eh ya brincessa? Fee eh?
The Old Dude Who Thinks He’s One of the Shabab
You sir, are a great pillar of our society. You’ve probably lived through a couple world wars and the invention of the telephone. You exceed us in experience and many other things. Having said that, when we’re all getting drunk on the beach, we don’t want geddo coming over and being like "Eh ya shabab? Kollo tamam? Manwatti el mazzeeka shwaya? Hehehe. Tab beteshrabo eh? Da 3ala ayyami…” No. Just no. Perhaps we are afraid because we’re basically in the process of becoming aforementioned geddo.