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2013: In Memoriam

It's been quite a year for most of us, but Sally Sampson's own recollection of 2013 is pretty special. Take a trip down memory lane with her...

When I sit here and think about how fast this year went by, I kind of want to hurl. And I mean hold my hair back as I lower half my head into a toilet and wretch till I want to die hurl (You know you’ve been there too!). Nevertheless, when I look back at 2013, I can’t help but smile because, whether I like it or not, it has been an eventful year for me.

I put my dream of being a singer back on the map and started what I have dubbed My Fearless Tour, I attempted, dare I say it, a relationship, I’m closer to my goal weight than ever before, I’ve reconciled with the fact that my nose is big and unconventionally prominent and BEAUTIFUL (fuck you, if you think otherwise!) and I now know that no matter how many times I listen to it, I absolutely fucking hate Rihanna’s song What Now. Oh, and for the record, I also despise that damn Animals track by Martin Garrix. I, however, love Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Glee! (Don’t blame me! It’s the little gay man living inside of me!)

But I think, on a whole, this year has been fairly exciting for humanity as a whole and, being into celebrity culture (which is code for celebrity stupidity), I wanted to just a take a moment to remind everyone of some of the amazing things that went on that may have incidentally slipped some of your minds:

Oh year that has sped by,

And run by so fast;

It seems so bizarre

How quick you’ve gone past!


But I believe we must all,

At the end of each year

Take a moment to remember

Both the grand and the plain queer,


Events that have happened

Lest someone think to say,

That humanity does forget

The important happenings of our day.


And so just to list a couple,

Well actually a fair few;

Here’s what occurred this year,

Here’s what we’ve pulled through.


We got to see Miley’s tongue

Hanging out of her mouth;

She twerked and gyrated here and there

And far too many times to count.


And unto the world, of course,

A royal infant was born

To the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge,

A baby boy they named Prince George.


Another baby was also born

To parents who were undoubtedly possessed;

How else could you explain Kim and Kanye

Calling their baby North West?


The great Nelson Mandela passed,

And filled us all with grief

But nothing devastated today’s teens

Like the death of Glee’s Cory Monteith.


In Egypt, we had a second revolution

Though the media called it a coup d’état;

Lady Gaga pranced about to promote Art Pop

Wearing nothing but a thong and a bra.


Pope Benedict stepped down,

And Pope Gregory took his place;

As she went to pick up her Oscar

Jennifer Lawrence fell flat on her face.


People worldwide rallied together

To help victims of Typhoon Haiyan;

Amanda Bynes tweeted strange things

And suffered some form of mental breakdown!


It was a good year for movies,

Like the Hobbit and Iron Man 3;

Not to mention the Hunger Games

Monsters’ University and Despicable Me!


Malala Yousafzai became a global icon

Promoting women’s rights and education;

Robin Thicke’s ‘Blurred Lines’ became an overall hit

Despite its chauvinistic implications.


So yes, it has been a year

Where many things of note occurred;

Most of them aren’t listed here, however

Thanks to my penchant for the absurd.


Nevertheless, I am certain,

That your own list you can compile

Of all the incidents that made you jump,

Made you cry, made you smile.


Don’t be a miserable fucker

2013 wasn’t all that dreadful,

Try to find something here and there

For which you are grateful.


And here’s to a better year

Set to bring about things yet unseen.

Here’s to the bad as well as the good

Coming up in 2014.

Have a BITCHING new year folks!