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Miley Gone Wild(er)

This one is for all of us who feel personally victimised by Miley Cyrus' VMA performance.

I woke up a half hour late this morning and instead of quickly jumping in the shower, I decided to check my Twitter timeline, as is my usual morning routine. Instead of reading an abundance of tweets about how shitty the curfew is, which has become the norm in the Twitterverse, it seemed that everybody was talking about one thing: Miley Cyrus and her VMA performance. I arrived at work and the first thing I did was watch the YouTube video of Disney's sweetheart. Let's just say that little Miss Montana is not the innocent girl that sang about the best of both worlds anymore. I was expecting something along the lines of: 

Needless to say, Miss Cyrus made a huge mistake that day. 

To start things off, Miley exits a huge teddy bear wearing a teddy bear onesie (teddy-bear-ception!) and doing whatever the hell that is with her tongue:

Because nothing says "I'm no longer an innocent Disney child-star" like humping a stuffed animal.

Miley then proceeds to walk down the stairs like a retarded cat, playing with her invisible hair while her actual hair was looking very Rugrats-esque.

I suddenly felt the urge to go hug her mother for what the poor girl was doing on stage. She's obviously mentally ill. But then Miley surprised us all by shaking what her momma gave her and let's just say Riri was unimpressed.

Miley then sexually assaulted a black woman on stage and Will Smith felt like he was looking into his own daughter's future. And he was not liking it: 

And along comes Robin Thicke! Maybe this atrocity will get a bit better, I naively think to myself. Oh God, was I wrong. So, so wrong. STOP DEFILING MY MAN WITH YOUR SLUTINESS, YOU LITTLE WHORE-WANNABE. 

Looks like I wasn't the only one feeling victimised by Miley Cyrus almost conceiving a child on stage, because One Direction looked like they just walked in one their parents doing it: 

Taylor Swift was all like "Are you guys seeing what I'm seeing???????????"

And since dry humping was obviously Miley's theme for the day, she decided to get down and dirty with a foam finger scarring sports' fans worldwide. 

Miley then established a relationship with the finger and blew off Thicke to make tiny foam finger babies with her new boyfriend:

The good news is Miley and the finger are in a steady and loving relationship now. The bad news (for Miley) is, she's now required to pay for counselling for everybody in the crowd that day. 

On a brighter note, 'NSync reunited and looked as hot as ever:

If only Justin bringing his sexy back could make us forget the eye-pollution that was Miley Cyrus' performance.