More Like CAN'T Film Festival

When my lovely editor and super woman extraordinaire, Dalia Awad (I’m kissing ass) asked me if I wanted to do a piece about the fashion choices that graced the Cannes film festival red carpet, I couldn’t have been more thrilled. If there’s one thing I love more than award shows and red carpets, it’s award shows and red carpets in the French Riviera. I get to go back to my fashion roots, criticising the choices of people who, for all intents and purposes, are too shiny and famous to exist. Slander is on the menu tonight, and I’ve cooked up a dish Gordon Ramsay himself wouldn’t dare criticise (cue visuals of Ramsay screaming in my face about how the chicken is raw enough to walk off the plate). 

I hate you. What are you wearing, Jennifer Lawrence? Your Dior gown is as plain as your face and your acting. Your hair has more oil in it than the Middle East. Your face is quite fucking stupid. Go away. 

Marion Cotillard demonstrates for the world what a penguin-human hybrid would look like. It’s very flamboyant, I’ll give it that. A fabulous up-do to boot, as well. But asymmetrical hemlines are as over as Ben Affleck and The Biggest Loser, honey. No.

Oh, Eva. You were enchanting as a desperate cougar housewife, and you are still as enchanting as ever in this sheer embellished Zuhair Murad, golden magnum opus. Your career may be over, but thank God your fashion choices are still up to par.

Last time I saw you, Sharon Stone, you had really bad skin in that S&M themed Catwoman movie. I’m pleased to see you’ve worked your issues out. I liked you with short hair, though. I like you in this dress. You’re pretty. Teach the new generation of Hollywood (looking at you, Jennifer Lawrence). Or let them rot, I don’t care.

You can’t call yourself an actress if the only four movies you’ve starred in are Resident Evil. And you can’t call yourself a model if you’re wearing this horrendous print that looks like a Sedar curtain. Why, Milla?

When I die, I’m telling God I want to come back as Cindy Crawford.

This is how you pull monochrome off. Love me, Emma Watson. Acknowledge my existence. Teach Jennifer Lawrence (or kill her).

You look like an ostrich. What is this?

Why?

Stick to singing, Florence.

I don’t know you, but this print is stunning. Your look is superb. Is there anything those Asians can’t do?

I can’t decide whether you look like a bad advertisement for Hawaii, a documentary about water beetles or a PSA about the dangers of Botox. Seriously, Kidman, you look like you’re taking a particularly strenuous shit. 

Hi, Cheryl Cole, you’re irrelevant and so is your dress.

How do you do this, Jane Fonda? How? I hope I’ll look even half as good as you when I’m your age (120?). Your pendant is stunning. Just goes to show that sticking to basics and overlooking outlandishly modern things is never a bad choice.