The Pursuit of Pork & Praise

Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa,

I ate pork for the first time yesterday and I feel really guilty. Am I going to hell?

M.

You shouldn't abstain from pork just because you think God wants you to. You can eat pork because why  would He give a shit? He created the universe, do you think he's going to draw the line at a full English breakfast? Anyways, whatever you do, you're not going to Heaven. Why would God want to kick it with you? There are a trillion aliens who are far cooler than you and less neurotic about their diet.

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Mr. Mosh-Killa,

My friend is a terrible artist but every time I compliment him, he ends up showing me even more crappy art. How do I kill his dreams softly?

Omar

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Here's the thing; it's a much more rewarding living to make a life out of creation, than out of money so even if it's bad art I always tend to encourage and commemorate the effort to start off with but then just be completely honest. There's too much 'bad' art in the world because there's too many bullshitters, you're being a bad friend if you outright compliment him. Try slipping in some sort of constructive criticism in the end, whatever it is, make it up, just make something up, better than saying "Oh wow, that's great!" and let him think he's perfect. No. “Oh wow, that's great BUT... (But it needs more white, But it needs to be more accessible, But it needs more nudity, But it needs less faecal matter).” If it's just downright terrible, no hope, just go with "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

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Dear Mr Moshkilla,

I'm a white guy who came to Cairo in the hope of getting some winter sunshine. Now I'm whiter than ever before and my pale complexion is only worsened by the fact I'm surrounded by brown people. Can you recommend a decent disguise?

Make friends with these guys.

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To Mr. Mosh-Killa,

There is this niqabi girl at school that I am infatuated with, but I don't know how to tell her. Help.

Karim

I know men always want what they can't have but that's taking the piss a bit.

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Dear Mr. M-K,

At work, I manage a small team of mostly males. My question is: Is it appropriate to romantically pursue one of my subordinates?

L.

Appropriate, no. Fun, yes. It's the one time in your life where you'll get to play the dominate one in the relationship, plus until it all goes to shit, and eventually it definitely will, you can come up with a cool system for motivation involving workloads and blowing his load.

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Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa,

How do you know if you are mature enough to leave your parents house?

Jana

We're too pampered in this day and age, especially in Egypt by our parents. It's why you find most Egyptians, in high society at least, are arrogant twats who don't know the meaning of real life, or working for a living, or the urgency of having to pay for rent. Even when they do create something profitable, it's usually from no costs, so they are under the impression that they are paying for their lives, when they in fact still owe most of it to the Bank of Parents, and the parents will always make them know one way or another. To be honest, you're never mature enough to leave your house, it's just a leap you have to make, and the sooner you do it the sooner you get to experience the realities of the world, the bad and good, figure out who you are and what you're made of.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@cairoscene.com or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla