Friday December 1st, 2023
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To-Do List

1. Read this.

Staff Writer

- Say body parts in Arabic, but this time pay attention to how nasty they sound. Literally everything sounds fat. Soba3? Ew. Fakhd? Ekhs. Dofr? Halama? Shudder.

- Think of words you hate. Bacne. Moist. Cleaver.

- Watch a video you really hate over and over for like, twenty minutes. This is very effective in relieving the pain of anything that comes after. A mindless meeting is far better than listening to/watching this over and over (SO annoying. Only risk this if you’re purposely looking to annoy yourself. We’re all sick in our own way, don’t judge me).

- Write emails to Christina Aguilera.

- Dear Xtina, Get. A. Grip. You’re too talented. Stop it. H

- Dear Xtina, Hey gurl…

- Dear Xtina, You’re far too talented. You don’t have to lose weight (it would be preferable, but let’s try to overlook it), but you’re not 25. Also, please wear pants.

- Not care about the VMAs at all. Rihanna, hair, blah blah, YAWN. No, but seriously, who are these people? What are they? Is that dubstep? Is that Chris Brown?

- Be really impressed with this.

- Make fun of this. I mean…

- Scroll through your internet browser history and take a good, hard look at your life.

Illustration by Hassan Hassan

- Think about who the fuck decided an egg was ok to eat? Like, when s/he (the first person) cracked open an egg, how did they decide the insides are ok and the shell isn’t? And then cook it? Who came up with this? Eggs are literally in everything. Who the fuck invented baking? Who decided all these things? Also, what the fuck is flour?

- Google all of the above.

- Work – Don’t get fired. That would actually ruin your life.

- Make a proper to-do list.

- Write email to the UN.

- Dear UN…

- So ignorant. I need to read a book.

- Buy book.

- Read book.

- Feel brain rot.

- Obsess over that one article titled ‘Are Your Friends Making You Fat?’ and really ponder on that question before you order lunch.

- Get over that article, you read it in 2007. Also, what friends?

- Order lunch.


For more of Hassan Hassan’s writing and art check out and follow him @h_hassan