Like a bad case of eczema, poser DJs have been appearing rapidly on both the local and international scene. We teach you 10 ways to easily spot them.
If you’re into Electronic music, chances are you have attended a party with a DJ before and will attend many more in the future, or you are a veteran of the scene and hence already know that a lot of these DJs don't really DJ at all – they’re just posing. Some do DJ, but do it for the fame and honeys, and are hence also considered to be posers. We hate poser DJs; they are shitting on those who take their job seriously and actually put in the huge amount of effort needed to create a great DJ set. We’re here to teach you the lessons needed in order to spot a poser DJ. The information we are about to dispense was attained by us after years and years of attending DJ parties all over the world, from David Guetta to Ricardo Villalobos. Between all of us at the SceneNoise team, we managed to punch in close to 12 million hours in attendance of live DJ sets. We save you the eardrum damage, countless hours of flights, and millions of dollars spent in our continuous pursuit of that ever-fleeting peak moment. So, without any more jibber jabber, we present you with 10 poser DJs to look out for at parties.
Playing a Recorded Set
This will need some practice and focus. It is not easy to spot a DJ playing a pre-recorded set – it requires a highly trained poser DJ spotter and some ear-eye coordination. Signs to look out for? If you spot the DJ with his hands in the air and a mix happens. Blow the whistle on his ass by telling the management.
Putting Their Name on a T-shirt
You should know that any DJ that has his name on his t-shirt is a poser. No real DJ gets his name printed on a t-shirt – only posers do that shit. Your t-shirt should read "DJ Fuck Face Poser."
Using Beats by Dre Headphones
A DJ that pays the ridiculous price tag on any of the Beats available in the market surely isn't buying them for their unique DJ skill-enhancing capabilities - not that they possess any in the first place. He is buying them to use in his behind-the decks-posing. Beats headphones are known for their ridiculously loud maximum volume; we hope you accidentally turn the cue knob to max and blow your ear drums.
Having Their Name in the Intro
DJs that use an intro track with their name in it do not deserve to live. Any DJ that takes time out of his day to record his name on an intro tack cannot be a real DJ - real DJs are lazy pieces of talented shits who will never do anything more than play music.
Having DJ Before Their Name
Any DJ that uses the term DJ before his name is not confident in his skills as a DJ and feels the need to make sure people know what he does. This DJ is better off left alone to his own doom. He brought it on himself when he decided to call himself a DJ. Don't you know that real DJs never call themselves DJs? The really good ones hardly ever admit to being DJs in the first place; they will go on about everything else they do and then throw DJing in at the very end. "Oh, I'm a care provider for drug addicts; I do some dancing, accounting, painting, prostitution, and – oh – did I mention I'm a DJ? Well, it's just something I do on the side as a hobby..." said Seth Troxler to Pitchfork.
Having a Logo
Any douchebag DJ that commissions someone to design a logo for him does not deserve to be living amongst us. Who told you that having your own logo - with a shitty design, nonetheless - will make you a better DJ? Logos don't compensate for bad taste, style, and lack of DJing skills. They also make you look like a pretentious poser.
Moving Knobs That Don't Need to be Moved and/or Playing With an Unplugged Mixer
Poser DJs are compelled to look like they are always doing something, even when there is nothing that needs to be done. They will play around with every knob, fader, button, and jog wheel during a performance to make it seem like they are spinning the fuck out of that record, and nothing will change in the music coming out of the speakers. Also, poser DJs think they can play with an unplugged mixer and get away with it – the latest trend in poser tomfuckery, what we like to call mix syncing!
Having 10,000 Likes on Their Facebook Page Even Though You've Never Heard of Them
Want to make it big in the EDM (Electronic Dickhead Musicians) world? You need to find a really old hit song that no one remembers; sample the shit out of it beyond recognition; add a generic kick and snare, and a plasticy bass line that sounds like your grandmother farting; and send it out to all the biggest EDM labels. Before you do that, they will need to see that you have a huge following. Of course, if you're a poser DJ, you won't be able to depend on your music. There is a way: buy likes.
Throwing Cake, Cupcakes, Muffins, or Any Other Baked Goods
Throwing things can be fun, but if you're DJing and throwing bakery items, then you're a poser. If anyone tries shit like that with a real underground crowd, be sure that the poser DJ doing this will have his nuts tied in a Spanish ring knot with his headphones cord, and will be subsequently hung from it from the disco ball he brought in with him to the performance. Real DJs only throw drugs and spray alcohol and water on the crowd.
Using Virtual DJ
Just check out the artist's name on the track loaded to deck number one. 'Nuff said.
Main image illustration by Ganna Hesham.