Thursday September 28th, 2023
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A day in the life of Cairo's most prolific lifestyle blogger. Just in case you were wondering.

Staff Writer

9:51am: I’m going to stop being so negative. This is going to be exceedingly difficult since I live in Egypt and things like Morsi happen.

Also, Hamada Helal just slaughtered Spongebob in some video and apparently Tom, Jerry and I are very disappointed. I hope Nickelodeon responds to that email I sent. Cairo’s not an easy place to keep your cool, let alone be happy. I literally cannot think of one nice thing… wait, that’s not the point of this.

10:50am: I’ll start right now. This very morning. But I’m going to Heliopolis (I don’t know why that keeps happening to me). Obviously, this is the brand of cab driver that likes to scream conversations over the Quran blaring from the radio. Is he actually yelling at me? Did I offend him? No, no. Egypt did? It’s a widow. They all lived in one room. Who? Oh, her and her five daughters. Perfect opportunity to try… what’s the word… compassion. Yes. Oh. Evicted. He would have bought them vegetables or something but he had to get his tires fixed. Oh no. What? I can’t concentrate over God damning me to hell on the radio.

11:03am: So obviously perky and excited is out of the question. Blasé? No, this needs to stop. I know. I’ll be proactive. Put my phone to my ear and screech-whisper for him to turn volume down. Spend 20 minutes saying ‘hmmm’ and ‘no way’ to my phone. I should have actually called someone, but who wants to chat at 10am? Whatever, I’m halfway through my fake phone call. I’ll give him extra money for the widow and her retarded daughter. (Don’t blame me, motakhalifa was the way the cab driver so eloquently put it.) When in doubt, cash is always positive.

7:01pm: So I’ll, like, do The Secret. Seriously though, what is that book? Have you seen it? The writing is so big; so big you can’t even read it. What do they want me to do? (Also, got really inebriated three years ago and my friend convinced me to watch the DVD. I passed out after three minutes. Maybe that was the point. Like it puts you to sleep and you get “The Secret” through some kind of osmosis).

Detail from 'Malice in Wonderland' by Hassan Hassan

7:45pm: I am only going to voice negative things in my own mind. I will tell nobody. Anything. I know this might render me mute, but what can you do? It’s for my own spiritual well-being. Also I recently watched Drive and Ryan Gosling is super silent in it. It was excellent.

8:15pm: But I’d have to speak eventually. What would I talk about? Puppies? For like, twenty minutes and then what? Movies? The Kardashians? I will stop watching the Kardashians. (No I won’t. Rob just had a breakdown and it’s part of a double episode. To be fair, you can’t stop something in the middle of a To Be Continued and Rob’s spiritual journey is integral to mine.) How nice everything is? I mean… Ok…

8:17pm: I am going to follow Deepak Chopra on Twitter. And maybe become a vegetarian. (I would. But meat is fucking amazing and also the Dukan Diet – I am always on this diet, even when I’m not – really focuses on protein. An entire pillar to diet is called Protein Thursday. Also, meat is amazing.) I am going to start my spiritual journey. Although not to India, because that’s the last place I would want to find myself. Ideally, I would like to find myself in a developed country.

8:57: What is positive? A book should help. I’m definitely not reading Paolo Coehlo. Fuck him. Browse the self-help book table in Diwan? Although I have no use for a book called It’s Called Break Up Cause It’s Broken. Snap. Snap. Don’t snap ironically in Diwan. You’re in public. Oh my God, that girl literally went straight for Why Men Marry Bitches. What a freak. Like it’s the fifth copy she’s bought in a month. No, stop. We’re being positive. Remember. Twilight? Is that positive? Fuck that. Although Kirsten Stewart is a lot more appealing since cheating. It made her more real. Or something. Is that positive? Still, fuck vampires. Second Coming… God took break… Jesus goes back to earth… Jimi Hendrix in heaven… Heaven is an office? Hmmm…

12:03am: I’ll just be happier. I’ll smile more. But I’d look like such a creep. Just smiling at everyone. I already do on occasion and people are totally offended by it. Sometimes I go extra creepy on purpose. I’m really bad at this. I think that’s enough optimism for the day. I’ll watchPretty Little Liars and send my sister obnoxious bbms about how annoying all their mouths are and how the casting is creepily perfect. They all look like actual families, but the acting is so bad you’re reminded just how much they hate each other in real life. Also I have no idea who any of the characters are. It’s like it’s just all happening to the same brunette. Isn’t she the one sleeping with her teacher? Oh she’s a lesbian now? Whatever, it is three seasons, which should tide me over until fall TV viewing. Can’t. Wait. See, that’s being positive? Looking forward to things and whatnot. There’s always tomorrow. See, positive again. HA! I’m getting better at this…