Friday February 23rd, 2024
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9 Things We Can't Believe Are Still a Thing in Egypt

From quoting Paulo Coehlo to ridiculous traffic-causing celebrations, it's high time we got over this stuff...

Staff Writer

Fads come and go; it’s just the way the world works as people’s interest in certain areas of pop culture rise or diminish. Except sometimes, well, more often than not, in Egypt, fads are like Herpes: you get them and they’re never gone. And then every time you walk down the street it’s a constant aching reminder of how you maybe shouldn’t have slept with that easy guy or girl that time you got drunk off ID edge and blacked out in Marina 7.

1.Deep House

Well first of all it’s not Deep House it’s a new form of musical mutation to cater to all the hipster kids becoming of legal age and able to go party. Real Deep House is timeless and will never go away. We mean Jamie Jones and Art Department, with labels like Hot Creations and Crosstown Rebels. We understand the need for some artists to jump on any bandwagon that passes their way so they can feed their egos, kids and pay rent. What we don’t understand is why people here still listen to a sound that’s kind of fizzled out since 2012. Next in line? Romanian Minimal House. NEWSFLASH: That’s also dead for a good year or two. 

2.Gogo Dancers

Some parties, not to be mentioned by name, are all about the glitz and the glam. The music is subpar, the crowd is pretentious, and let’s face it: how much glam can you really squeeze into a music venue of a third world country? It just attracts poorly endowed people who wear a lot of cologne, take tons of Viagra and have dead brain cells from all the Egyptian cocaine they’ve been doing. We don’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings, if we’ve unintentionally done so, just let bygones be bygones.

3.Nostalgia Campaigns

People always view the past as a glorified distant era that will never return (thank God), and Egyptians especially LOVE nostalgia, from the nostalgia themed parties of the aforementioned to the fizzy drink ads, and the cool vintage photos, even here at our publication we’ve guiltlessly jumped on the wagon with cool songs from the 90s. It’s human nature to despise the present, fear the future, and think of better days that are long gone. So get over it man, because the present is awesome, we have this so-called Deep House thing going on, right? 

4.Paulo Coehlo

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he’s all that and then some, but how many books can you write about the same soul searching crap, and get away with it? Why is he still a bestseller at every bookstore in Egypt? Why are publishers letting him write more books? Why are we even talking about him now? Why are there no white M&Ms? Why do they use square pizza boxes for round pizzas? These are the existential questions you should be asking yourself really. It’s like a literary equivalent of Hotel California and Candy Shop combined and dumbed down for and to the average angel in you.

5.Pink Floyd (Post Barrett)

OK, it’s not the 70s, you’re not a love child, and as a matter of fact last time you got laid was in a time and land so far away when sweeping psychedelic two chord guitar notes were still cool, and that was nineteen zero never, you virgin. Sure we have all done the occasional acid hit, or Tramadol strip, but never really let it define or shape who we are or what we listen to for the next 20 years. You did acid, you heard Animals, and you bought a t-shirt. Great, now it’s time to wipe your ass and go check out a Beach House album or Ariel Pink or something, and leave the past where it belongs

6.Traffic Lights/Traffic Police

Let’s face it we don’t need both, and seeing as we’re inherently a nation who wouldn’t obey the law unless a human is standing there to manually and effectively kick your ass if you don’t. So take down the traffic lights. They’re hardly used, they waste electricity and for all we know they’re subterranean Zionist spying agents. 

7.Zaffa Traffic

Yes there’s sexual repression running wild in our streets, in our bathrooms and amongst our children. There’s no denying it so it’s in our nature to let the public know, on our wedding night, by halting traffic of the inevitable fornication that is about to ensue. .

8.Evian Water

It’s like, seriously, come on… it’s just fucking water, why it's 60 LE, and why we’re purchasing it while people are starving is beyond us. Like we can understand if it contained DNA modifying agents that change you forever, from being a Gogo Dancer event going, Paulo Coehlo reading, 60 pound water bottle buying jerk to an aware individual who thinks and does what’s best for him and for others. We’d buy that for you, it’s on us.

9.Ahmed El Saka 


Sure, having our own action hero was fun for a minute, but at this point we swear, and solemnly so, that we’ve had enough of this guy, his balding head, his inevitable belly and his mole. It’s high time we saw a movie where he plays a Parisian florist who falls in love with another man. We’d see that for sure.