With so many contenders, it's not easy to conquer the burger game. Our self-proclaimed Hamburglar, Omar Elkoussy, heads to Ravish’s grand opening to see what they bring to the table...
Being the Hamburglar that I am, getting that perfect burger is always an uphill battle. My (b)urges and expertise in all things ground and round allow me to shamelessly eliminate preposterous attempts at burger creations as I see fit. It was standard procedure once again as I did what I do best by checking out the opening of Ravish - Heliopolis' new burger den. On my way, I daydreamed about the ideal burger: a juicy, meaty, succulent patty pampered with sprinkles of scrumptious toppings and a freshly-baked bun, all ready for me to sink my teeth into and feel like the burger-boss that I am.
Upon arrival at Ravish, I glanced behind the counter and saw slabs of meat that were already looking quite lush even before getting acquainted with the fire. As the place packed out with hoards of burgroupies, the patties hit the grill, spreading the savoury aroma of burgers that pretty much brought out the caveman in me. The throngs of fellow humans filling the place intensified my antsy burger senses, as I felt that this may jeopardise my mission in getting that burger as soon as humanly possible. Seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours as I impatiently drooled and rattled in my seat like a rabid dog. The only consolation to my anxiety at this point were the cosy decorations neatly arranged around the place; they somehow sedated my impatience into tranquility, only to be abruptly interrupted by my instincts once again.
After fidgeting and squirming for what seemed like an eternity, there it was: a stud of a burger. For once I was actually falling for something, pre-tasting. Ravish's aesthetically luring work of art was just straight up #foodporn. It was being served on a sleek Flinstones-esque slate of rock that matched my primal instincts. With burger options galore and unique specialty appetisers aplenty, my burger-tasting expertise was trying really hard to ground me before I got too carried away. "What will it be?" my taste buds asked, curiously. "The classic? Oh, come on, what about the salmon burger?" One does not simply come to such a momentous decision without weighing the options very, very carefully before making a choice. I chose to eat all burgers within mouth-shot, all of them virtually vanishing at once (I had prepared for this by not eating all day). What a splendid meal it was. And I'd like to think everyone lived happily ever after...
You actually thought that's where this ended? My taste buds and belly are laughing pretty hard right now. The meal was nowhere near over as the aforementioned tastebuds made way for heaps of ravishingly decadent burgers, onion rings, specialty hand-cut fries, and more heavenly creations, such as the cinnamon banana ice cream crumble... Man that thing was sinful. You know what they say - something's gotta give - but in this case, it was something's gotta take...and take and take and take.
I accepted my fate regardless of how regrettable my endless indulgence may have proven to be; this was to be the day I test the limits of the human body and will - as well as Ravish's patience with my appetite (and I have quite the significant appetite). It's miraculous that I didn't get kicked out and that's really down to their passion, as these culinary enthusiasts whole-heartedly believe that if the cook's heart is in it, the food will great - hence their motto, "Honest to goodness burgers." And they were. As for me, I learned what my new motto would be when it came to Ravish's burgers: "Nom nom nom... yum. More please."
Even at the end of the meal, when I had fully satiated my burger appetite with their delicious creations, I knew - I knew in my heart of hearts - that two hours later, when I was home and watching an episode of The Simpsons, I would desperately want another burger. So I requested one - albeit with a little embarrassment - and they were generous enough to give me a parting gift in the form of a takeaway box. And as predicted, a few hours after I arrived at my house, the burger urges once again arose within me and I polished off my final Ravish burger. The box in itself was some sort of feat of architectural wizardry - it folded down into a plate, back up into a box - what was this sorcery?
Naturally I devoured my final burger at home within minutes and instantly felt pangs of regret that I hadn't brought home TWO burgers. Oh well, next time.
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