Thursday March 30th, 2023
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5 Reasons I Hate Gay People

He's back and Keyser Barbatoze is more scathing than ever. This week, why gay guys make him hate his comparatively unfabulous life...

Staff Writer

I don’t know if I really hate gay people, but they’ve got a lot going for them and therefore I resent them as a collective group. To be perfectly honest, this article should more accurately be called “5 Reasons I’m Jealous of Gay People” but hate is a stronger word and therefore more likely to elicit clicks. 

Which our patented CairoScene Click Machine converts into food and water for the poor. You guys know that’s what we do here, right? #clickforAfrica

5- They Dress Better (Or More Fabulously?) Than Me

Call it a stereotype, I don’t give a shit. I’ve seen a ton of gay guys, and literally all of them dress better than I do. Now I’m no slob, I know not to mix black with brown or wear bright pink hot shorts even if they are super comfortable. But if you’ve got several entire TV shows dedicated to how good your sexual orientation group is at makeovers and whatever a ‘Givenchy’ is…

Is this a Givenchy? It looks like a Givenchy.

Then there’s no way Mr. Average can hope to compete. Worse still, it doesn’t seem to be limited to clothes. Interior decorating has also become the domain of the gay man, and I’m not just talking sex dungeons. Last Thanksgiving…

If it ain’t Ramadan, we want it Rama-GONE! Ha, get it guys? Guys?

I visited a lovely foreign family whose son was gay.  After dinner, he invited me up to his room.  My butthole clenched, obviously, but turns out he just wanted to play some FIFA.  Hey, we’re not too different after all! More to the point, there wasn’t a spot of pink in his room. It was this super classy mahogany-panelled shit that smelled of cigars and scotch. Think Ron Burgandy but in real life and without the 70s flared pants thing. The kid had decorated it himself. So fuck you, gay people. Fuck you for living the dream.

4- Their Love Lives Are Probably Hotter (Because They’re Illegal)

Okay, I want you all to raise your heterosexual hands if you’ve ever hooked up with a member of the opposite sex. Right now, most of your hands should be up (and all the nerds have left the room out of shame). Now keep your hand up if you’ve ever done it in public, like on the beach or in a garden or on top of the highest pyramid because fuck you sky, I’m making you watch.

Right in the ozone hole. Mmmm, baby you know you like it.

Y’all know shit is much more exciting in public than in some stuffy house. Why? Because of the adrenaline, the thrill of getting caught. This isn’t Europe, if they catch two consenting adults making out in public, shit goes down. We’ve got an entire police task force dedicated to it (thank you, Bolice el Adaab, for literally being the most ridiculous thing to ever exist in a world that includes Teen Mom).

So now, back to those smug, fucking gay people. Do you realise, gentlemen and ladies of the heterosexual variety, that gay peoples’ entire lives are that exciting?

They’re basically James Bond 24/7 but with sex. So yeah, James Bond.

Every waking moment they’re with their significant others is an impossible mission of not getting caught. If a guy’s caught with a girl, yeah it’s bad. Mostly for the girl. You might wink at the guy in question, sneak in a high five if the girl’s hot enough, generally be enough of a chauvinist pig to set the women’s rights movements back a hundred years. No big deal.

If a guy’s caught with another guy, though, that shit’s different. Disgrace. Ostracisation. Brutal beatings. Enough of a deterrent to make gay guys in Egypt the masters of deception, disguise, espionage and the sneakiest motherfuckers since…well…

Except I guess the sexy sidekicks would be Dicks Galore, OctoDick, Plenty O’Dick, Holly BigDick...

3- They Get to Go to Cool Underground Parties

You guys ever heard of the Queen Boat? 

Close but…no

The Queen Boat was an underground gay nightclub boat moored in Zamalek. Apart from how fucking awesome an underground boat club is in itself (that’s some Monaco shit right there), the boat was raided by police in 2001 and all the people in attendance, gay or not, were put on trial.

So I realise that shit is wrong and intolerant and all that, but let’s look at this from a completely superficial perspective (my favourite kind of perspective!). Any party-related movie you’ve seen, Project X or The Hangover, what are the ingredients of a good party?

Come on guys, let’s keep it legal

Booze, obviously. Good music. And an inevitable crackdown by the authorities. It’s that element of danger and lack of control over our surroundings that we all strive for when we skydive or go hunting. Nothing’s fun if it’s guaranteed safe. And every time gay guys get together, even when it’s not sexual at all, that’s how much adrenaline courses through their system.

2- They Can Adopt Adorable Black or Asian Babies

I realise this one’s a little…out there…but hear me out. Egyptian babies are shit. Like all babies, they cry and scream and shit themselves way too often for comfort…

A process human females often repeat when they hit drinking age.

But on top of all that, Egyptian babies aren’t even cute. They’re wrinkled brown devils who look like God got around to them after he’d done all the other babies and wanted to punch out early for happy hour.

Enter the gays. They can’t conceive anyway, so adoption is probably their best bet (that or kidnapping, but kidnapping ruins manicures). But if a normal, heterosexual couple wants to adopt, barring them being super-famous and rich (looking at you Angelina, devourer of orphans), they’ve got to stick within their ethnicity. For some unknown reason, no-one ever questions gay guys who want to adopt differently-coloured kids. Want one of those precious little Asian babies? You say you’re gay? Sold! Want one of those adoooorable black kids who isn’t so much black as that perfect shade that you like your caramel macchiatos? Yours!

Uh, waiter? I asked for decaf.

And on top of that, if they don’t want machines powered by pure, distilled feces, they don’t have to! They get to adopt two or three year old kids who are past that, while I - a heterosexual male who has to make a child the old-fashioned way (pee inside her?) - need to wake up at four in the goddamn morning to change little Hanafy’s poor shit-basket. I don’t know what the fuck diapers are made of, but thank the inventor.

Given what they go through, I don’t get why diapers aren’t used for body armour.

1 - They…Umm…

Look, guys. I’ve been racking my brains here, and I’ve gone through some pretty ridiculous reasons. Obviously, despite the title, none of these are legitimate reasons. But if I can’t find five off-the-cuff, completely farcical reasons to hate gay people, then you’ve got absolutely no logical excuse to. Seriously, re-evaluate your life. This is the 21st century, we hate white people now. Get with the times.


Remember what those fuckers did to Pocahontas?