Friday April 19th, 2024
Download SceneNow app

Dear Bars & Clubs of Egypt...

An open letter to the alcohol havens of the country...

Staff Writer

Dear Bars & Clubs of Egypt...

Dear Bars & Clubs of Cairo,

Let me begin by thanking you for the many nights you have given me that I surely enjoyed but have effectively been erased from my memory. You are a wonderful form of establishment that has given many a human a place to relish in the joys of alcohol. That being said, I have several bones to pick with you.

Sometimes, you bring me my sangria but the pitcher is missing half the liquid. This confuses me. Where is the rest of my sangria? If you are going to go to the effort of creating a sangria, mixing all those liquids and cutting up all those fruits and shit, then you may as well complete the job and bring me the full pitcher. Or at least explain to me where the rest of it went. How would you feel if I left you half of a 200-pound note when the check comes? Let's think about that for a second. Perhaps now you can appreciate the frustration I experience. Fill it up with juice, I don’t care (well, I do) – but it just looks bad when you bring me a half empty pitcher. 3eib ya3ni.

It is a commonly agree upon opinion that women spend longer in the bathroom than men. As such, I find it bewildering that many bars and clubs have a smaller women's bathroom than a men's one, or fewer toilets. Men often question why women go to the bathroom together. To this day, I cannot answer this universal question but let us just, as an international community, accept it as fact and then proceed accordingly. The bigger the women's bathroom, the happier we'll all be. Guys' dates will stop disappearing for hours at a time just to take a five-second piss, and they can quickly resume groping her on the dance floor.

Now, when I make the conscious choice to drink alcohol, I would like my drink to get me sufficiently inebriated and not consist entirely of non-alcoholic  additions. Let me clarify; I did not order juice. Juice is great, juice is swell and dandy, but when I specifically request a vodka-cranberry/orange juice/any other juice, it is for the sole purpose of my inebriation and not so I can drink endless glasses of sugary non-alcoholic liquid. Another thing. We know you’ve replaced your "Grey Goose" behind the bar with ID. So stop being stingy with the alcohol. My 80 year old grandmother couldn’t get drunk off this crap you’ve called a screwdriver. Let’s work on our generosity levels, yeah? Also, odds are, the drunker you get your patrons, the more generous they become, and you can effectively rob them blind. Make shit up on the check. We won't notice. We can barely see three feet in front of us.

Although, speaking of which, I'd actually prefer if you ceased making shit up on my bills. Until recently I never bothered to double check the bill, blindly putting my faith in the goodwill and integrity of the waiters. Turns out, I was just stupid, and your waiters invent orders that we never placed. If you would like to continue doing this, fine, I can get on board with that, but pour a decent amount of alcohol in my glass and get me drunk enough first. Blur my vision. If I can't read the bill, I can't double check it. See how that works?

On another note, no one wants a sourpuss waiter. While I realise it is not ideal to serve others, watch them have fun while you cater to their drunken wants and needs, there's an old saying that goes 'fake it till you make it'. In short, train your staff to pretend like they're having the time of their lives. Same as I have to slap a smile on my goddamn face when dealing with a horrible client who I deeply wish would get mauled by a crocodile, SO DO YOUR WAITERS. They're not doing me a favour. They are, after all, essentially getting paid to smile. And if they smile, I'll give them a great tip.

While drinking, one often tends to enjoy a nice accompanying snack. Now I am aware you have many patrons and your job here is to make money; it's not a charity and giving away free food willy nilly runs counter to turning a profit. But seeing as you are making a 200% markup from my drink, I'm sure it would not kill you to bring me some noss geneih Chipsy to eat with it. I'm not asking for much here, I don’t want unicorn tartar served on a gold leaf platter. I just want some goddamn popcorn. Some nuts. The cheapest nuts. Also, here's a fun fact for you. Salty snacks make you more thirsty – the thirstier I am the more likely I am to order another drink. Keep that in mind.

All that being said – and I certainly hope you take note of these things - but overall, I cannot help but feel a deep and devoted love for you, simply because you are the home of alcohol.


A Random Egyptian Girl