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Designers Mania

Fireworks & Flip-Flops

“Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that.” - Haruki Murakami

Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa,

How can I tell if I am hearing fireworks or gunshots outside my window?

Samy.

I have bad news for you, my friend: it's nigh on impossible. Let's say there's an Egyptian wedding happening down the road. Is that the sounds of celebratory fireworks? Or has the bride been caught with the groom's brother? We've just toppled another government. Is that the sounds of celebratory fireworks? Or has the opposition gone on a rampage? It's Eid. Celebratory fireworks or halal sheep on the loose? In general, we have no idea when is the right time to set off some fireworks. Sometimes we fire off fireworks because there are other fireworks going off. Best thing to do is find out who is setting them off and then shoot them, then you'll know.

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Hi Mosh-Killa,

How do I get girls to do the sexting?

Ahmed.

Oh, Ahmed, you charmer! You're a modern day Don Foulan, you don't have time for walks down the Nile and Galaxy Cinema masturbatory sessions; you want to get down right to the fun stuff! I get you, man. I'm assuming you've never heard of Skype, Facetime, What's App or Snap Chat and you're still wanking off an old Nokia brick phone's WAP connection, so here's some handy genSMSing tricks. Have you tried sending her an eight followed by multiple equal signs (the more equal signs, the more impressed she will be with the length of your phallus) followed by the letter D? If for some strange reason this doesn't get her hot under the hijab, try phoning random numbers and then breathe down the phone heavily. Yeaah, sext bby we tlkn bout u n me! Fuck u.

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Dear Mr. M-K

My maid keeps wearing my pink Havianas around the house and I don't know what to do...

Ami

Here's the thing: your maid obviously doesn't know the difference between your 300 LE shibshib from a Zamalek boutique store and her 5LE pair of shibshib she found in Attaba. Stupid bitch. She doesn't know your expensive pair of 'state-of-the-art piece of rubber' was made in some Chinese sweat factory for 300 times less the retail price in exactly the same way her Attaba pair were made, and then shipped over to the US to be advertised by a Victoria Secret bombshell and flashed in your face every day on TV, on billboards and in On The Run until you just had to have a pair. Your maid needs more shibshib, Havianas don't need more money. Now who's the stupid bitch?

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Dear Mr Mosh-killa,

I miss the Hitachi sign and would like to start a campaign for its reinstatment. I'm struggling to tell when day is day and night is night. What next?

Cris.

Completely agreed, that sign is a Cairean landmark, more important than the Pyramids. It's the North Star, I don't even know where I am now. I have created a petition to bring it back here: https://www.change.org/petitions/group-bring-back-the-hitachi-sign#share.

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Dear Mr. Mosh-Killa,

Everytime I get makhboot, I get 9AM work calls and e-mails the next day. Is this Karma? If so, how do I make it stop?

Moe

Ah yes, been there. Make sure to take another pill at 7.35AM exactly, that way when the e-mails start coming in your serotonin levels will be at their peak which means instead of the usual passive aggressive tone in your e-mails and reluctance to say anything which will give you actual work to do later, you'll end up suggesting a million and one creative ideas, you may even call your clients up and suggest to do something right then and there. "Hey! *grind, grind, grind* I have an idea *lick, grind, munch* let's meet at your establishment right now, I'm going to revolutionise your business, just make sure to bring some speakers, a vuvuzela and some glow in the dark pen-markers. I love you guys!" You'll happily whizz through all your work e-mails in record time showing ultimate enthusiasm. Just get ready for the angst ridden downer when you wake up that night knowing you have a lot of work and/or apologies to do.

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Dear Mr. Moshkila
My fiance has just found an incredible job in a different country. Our wedding date was meant to be set for a few months from now and we were planning on living in Cairo but now all of our plans have been thrown into disarray thanks to this new job offer. I want to be supportive and I want him to take the job but at the same time, I don't want to leave my home and live in a new country, or have a long-distance marriage, especially when it's just starting out! But it's a great opportunity for him and I can't exactly tell him to pass it up. What do I do??

Farah

Stop watching Turkish Soap operas on MBC. You don't even have a fiance.

You can send all your dramas and dilemmas to Mr. Mosh-Killa on info@thecairoscene.online or Tweet him at @MrMoshKilla