Saturday May 25th, 2024
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The ever-scathing Hassan Hassan has a look at the fashion and faces (including his own) gracing the Academy Awards' red carpet last night...

Staff Writer


I am no movie aficionado; in fact the Oscars is basically a celebration of the movies I have napped during, over the past year (Her is excellent to sleep to; Scarlett Johanssen’s voice is super soothing. Also Cate Blanchett totally deserves it and you can all suck it). Way back when I was young, I would have Oscar parties that would involve a lot of wine and E!’s red carpet coverage and all of that good stuff. My tactics have since changed due to age and the daily requirement of 10 hours of sleep so my skin doesn’t look haggard; I now prefer to sleep and wake up at normal times and have a party with my coffee.  This has served me well over the past few years because my reactions are fresh, uncensored and groggy but also heightened by my coffee intake.

Here you go:

Lupita, who are you? Why are you so beautiful? Your Prada makes me want ice cream. Your skin makes me want chocolate. Your smile makes me smile. You are everything. Marry me and have skinny chocolate ice cream babies. 

Who is that old couple? Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt? They literally look like they’re going to the Four Seasons for Madiha’s (who they hate but feel obligated to go) wedding. 

Didn’t Julia Roberts wear that dress in 1998?

Jennifer Lawrence tripped again. But her hair also looks like it’s going to Madiha’s dry wedding at The Nile Plaza. The red looks good though and I love that you tripped. 

Fuck. Anne. Hathway.And. Her.Fucking. Face. 

Oh Ellen. You look so cute in a dress. 

I will suck it, Cate Blanchett. Usually I want to slap her, but Blue Jasmine was really good and she’s so regal and classy and elegant and sophisticated and she still told Julia Roberts to suck it. How can I continue to be unimpressed by her unimpressedness? 

OMG is that Pink!? She looks like a girl. That dress really works. Who are you? Who am I?

Kim Kardashian is at the Oscars? No, no, that’s Elton John’s party. Wait, she doesn’t look like a hooker. But she does. Who is she? Who are her breasts? Who am I? 

I was in the most retweeted selfie of all time. Did I win an Oscar?

Matthew, your wife looks stunning. But maybe darker suit next time. Also, while we’re here, I really hated you when you were buff. This whole skinny thing is doing wonders for your career and personality. I’m going on your diet starting now. 

Pharrell, why are you wearing shorts? That’s what I was going to wear. But I have never skipped leg day. That’s a lie, I haven’t been to the gym in years. 

Hi Jared Leto. Can you and Lupita make chocolate covered ice cream? I feel like you are both beautiful and could do the world a favour with your offspring. Also, your hair; what treatments do you use? My mother is asking. 

Meryl, what do you do to your skin? My mother is also asking. 

Charlize, Charlize, Charlize, you’re stunning, we get it. You’ve looked the same since 2001; like a bottle of J’Adore Dior. We’re not over it, but we are. But to be fair you seem a bit over it. You don’t have to look so angry, we can be over it together. 

Who are the rest of these people? I really don’t even know. Did I win an Oscar?