Sunday December 3rd, 2023
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5 People You Meet At Every Afterparty

We've all run into them at least once…

Staff Writer

Nothing good happens after 2 AM. No truer words have been spoken, and Pharell was being far too optimistic singing we’re up all night to get some, because frankly the some you want to get just ain’t around by that time of the night. So why do we do it? Especially in Egypt where we never know when to stop, and always take things too far. What is that little voice inside of our heads telling us that if we just stay out a little longer, follow the crowd, find that pumping hotel room and stumble into some stranger’s car that our nights will reach forth into an epic climax, an adventure towards the unknown that we will regale to our friends for years.

The reality of the situation is usually a decrepit apartment devoid of exit strategies, roamed by lost souls wandering around looking for drugs, or themselves - whichever comes first. Here’s a rundown of some of those souls that are bound to have crossed your path if you ever found yourself at an after-party…

The DJ

Usually shunned from playing his tunes at the actual party, the after-party DJ will wait until the lights come on at the club and find out where the early hour shenanigans are going down, and make sure to get his laptop out (which he brought with him to the party in anticipation) before some amateur ‘iPod DJ’ he looks down on gets a chance. The after-party DJ will have zero attention to please the crowd and will insist on playing his own terrible music. This can range from Psy-Trance to Trance to Post-Trance to Post Traumatic-Distrance. Very soon you will find after partiers scurrying away to a closed off bedroom to get away from the music. The DJ will always find you, bring the speakers to wherever you are, and make sure the party and your angst don't stop.

Sobriety Level: 7

The Philosopher

Despite being a self proclaimed introverted genius who spends his days reading intellectually challenging essays, he is not intelligent enough to read social cues. For instance, that no one cares to listen to one go on for hours about the interconnected oneness revealed by the sacred golden ratio, or Rudolf Rocker’s take on anarcho-syndicalism. They have just dropped and are waiting for the drop. Stop harshing their vibe.

Sobriety Level: 5

The Junkie

Friends with no one and everyone, usually extremely charming after years of perfecting the different ways to get what he wants without paying for it. He will constantly be going on triumphant journeys to the far reaches of the city, returning with extra sustenance to make sure he brings everyone down the rabbit hole with him. His after-party usually lasts around two to four days. You wonder how he functions during the work week. Quite well in fact.

Sobriety Level:  -1

The Fiend

She is usually the only female left at the party, and after the amount of booze everyone has consumed by this point, she is actually looking quite hot. You will find her snuggling up and flirting with every guy, but she’s much more interested in the coke than your…

This may be the only time in your young debauched life where you may think, hmm where is this girl's mother? Hold on, young stallion, drop her off and make her a friend before she becomes a fiend.

Sobriety Level: 3

The Newbie

Scared shitless. Sat in the corner, he has no way to go home. He doesn’t understand why people are running around with kitchen utensils, rolling about on the carpet, munching their gums off, fist pumping to the same song in a dark room with ten other guys. He’s having a come down off the first half pill he’s ever taken. He is judging his whole life and everyone at the party. He will then repeat this process for the next week until he evolves into the junkie, or, more likely, the DJ.

Sobriety Level: 9