Is it football, or is it soccer? We're here to settle the score once and for all between America and the rest of the world by refereeing on the two sports referred to as "football".
What is Football? To North Americans, it is considered America's game, the majority of which is played with hands, but nonetheless considered a spiritual fulfilling Sunday ritual. To the rest of the globe, it is the passionate drama unfolding in Rio. American PR firms have spent millions of dollars and years of their lives trying to rebrand the world's football into soccer, without a proper trial to decide which is the best and should be forever known as the sport we call football.
Luckily, we're here to hash this out once and for all.
It always starts with fans. Simply put, global football is a sport that has much more gender equality amongst its fan base. Also, no matter how you slice it, there are more people globally that call it football. So you, America, can call it whatever you want, as long as you live knowing the rest of the world thinks that you're ignorant dipshits.
World 1 – America 0
American Football players come in all shapes and sizes. It is a sport that actually encourages its players to reach goals of weighing 400 pounds, so that they can block for seconds at a time and cover up to 2 metres. Even the most conditioned American football players cover maybe 2 km a game, and that includes a stop in play every other second. In football that would never fly. You have to be in peak shape at all times, as over the course of the game players will run a total of 11 km.
World 2 – America 0
Is it just me, or do American football coaches always look like they have never even ventured up a flight of stairs, let alone played a game of football? They barely know how to get up in the morning and dress themselves, let alone coach and manage a team. First impressions do matter, and globally, football coaches know that they will be in the spotlight, and they know they have to look good, no matter win, lose, or tie. Also, they have played the sport they coach, and don't look like heart disease warning adverts.
World 3 – America 0
Super Bowl vs World Cup
Neither is a container, but both look phallic, for some reason. However one is handmade using gold and the other looks like a reflective titanium dong that you can see yourself in. Only one of these trophies was designed with a love for football.
World 4 – America 0
In order to follow the action in football, referees have to be in good shape, as they will run multiple kilometres in a game. As they observe, they control the game with two cards; yellow (bad), red (very bad...leave). American football referees casually meander up the field. They can't be bothered to even walk up to the players to penalize them. Instead they choose to throw a flag in the air, and proceed to a camera to perform any number of dance routines.
World 5 – America 0
When players get hurt in football, fans have to hold their breath while biting their tongues. It is completely indefensible that players fake injuries all the time. Stop diving already. It comes across as classless and unsportsmanlike. If an American Football player is hurt, you immediately question whether he will ever play again, as getting blocked by a 400lb behemoth is sure to leave a mark.
World 5 – America 1
No comparison needed.
World 5 - America 0
Football is guilty because of its fans. American Football is guilty because of its owners. I'll deduct a point each.
World 4 – America -1
Sudden Death vs Extra Halves
When we were kids playing sports on fields and streets, there was one unspoken rule; if the game was tied and time was up, then we would play next goal wins. That's the way it should be. The idea of extra half, essentially ensures that someone could still fix the game. Boo.
World 3 – America 0
And so, let it be known officially that 'global' football is simply football, and American football can be called soccer... or better yet, 'that game that fat kids play'.