Saturday May 25th, 2024
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10 Ways Netflix Coming To Egypt Will Change Your Life

Netflix is coming to our nation and we're already excited. Here are 10 ways it will forever alter your existence as you know it...

Staff Writer

10 Ways Netflix Coming To Egypt Will Change Your Life
Finally! Netflix officially confirmed its plans to expand to the Middle East and other markets in 2016. It's time to start prepping. Stock up on food and water, quit your job, and find a comfy spot with good internet reception, because you aren't going to be getting up for a while. Here's 10 ways Netflix is about to change your life. 
 Everyone Else Taking a Cue from Netflix and Coming to Play Too
Hulu, Amazon Prime, Starz - the list of on demand video streaming sources grows everyday. Each has its own vast catalog of movies, TV shows, and original content all waiting to sap your free time. So eventually not only will you have a hard time figuring out what to watch, you’ll have to decide where to watch it from.
If Netflix manages to make a buck expanding to other markets (who are we kidding, you know everyone and their bawab will be signing up the second it’s available) you better believe its competitors will be right behind them. Maybe even Spotify will eventually grace us with its playlist wizardry. 
Watching Ancient Aliens
Who cares if it’s culturally belittling? Nothing is more entertaining than a bunch of crackpot white people freaking out about how the Pyramids and other wonders of the ancient world must have been built by aliens, and that friends, is what the hit show Ancient Aliens is all about! Because clearly the only ones capable of such things must have been either the result of western European forms of civilization or from another planet.
Seriously look at this guy! It’s like a troll doll mated with Guy Fieri and the offspring was left out in the sun too long. They may be total nut jobs but there’s a reason this show has so many seasons streaming. Everybody watches the crazy guy on the street corner spout nonsense once in awhile. 

Original Content
Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, Scrotal Recall. With Netflix coming to the Middle East, they will have to cater to the cultural tastes of the region. With Egypt’s historical complexity and deep well of culture, the entertainment possibilities are endless; a romantic drama, a la Downton Abbey, or a Game of Thrones-inspired, violence charged fantasy. But really we’ll probably just get stuck with something teez like Real Bowabs of Maadi. Actually, that sounds amazing, we would totally watch that.
A couple years ago Netflix and Marvel announced an exclusive deal to stream earth’s mightiest heroes and all the spin-offs we’ve become preoccupied with. The worldwide nerdgasm was accompanied by news they would be teaming up to give a few of the lesser known superheroes that share a universe with Captain America and Iron Man their own Netflix series.
Daredevil got his first season uploaded earlier this year, and in case you haven’t heard, it was freaking awesome. Darker, more violent, and with a killer villain, the show blew the mind of every sweaty dork with a Netflix account. With Jessica Jones, The Punisher, Luke Cage, The Immortal Iron Fist and a Defenders crossover event in the pipeline, Egypt’s Marvel obsession (boo DC!) will be well fed. 
Netflix and Chill
Listen, we all know what it really means. The pickup line that has worked so well it’s become a trending internet meme, and finally young people of Egypt will be able to reap it’s benefits! Sure, it’s a little duplicitous, but that’s hooking up in general right? Trying to convince someone that you're much more interesting and attractive than you really are. Still, being able to take part in a quintessential part of the 21st century romance experience might mean that those of you with a little less game than you’re willing to admit, might actually have a shot at getting laid. 
Cult and B Movies
Beside all the big name blockbusters it features, Netflix’s well of old and underexposed movies is pretty much endless. For every summer blockbuster and Tom Cruise movie there are 10 unknown gems that are waiting to become somebodies new favourite movie. All the quirky, underground, movies that missed their chances at success in western markets could find second, or in some instances third, lives with Egyptian viewers. And we finally have a chance to check out all the the terribly shitty movies that the rest of the world has been making fun of for decades. Trolls 2 anyone?
High Quality Arabic Content
YouTube and other sites are full of foreign movies and TV shows that have been dubbed in Arabic. However, their quality is usually somewhere between horrendous and horrendous. If Netflix is going to make a concerted effort to capture the Middle Eastern market, they’ll have to provide Arabic subtitles and dubbing for its megalithic catalog. Now, the idea of an office full of drones pouring over each and every episode of Friends, hammering on keyboards, translating the whitewashed escapades of those NYC yuppies, is our personal definition of hell. But, if that means the population of Egypt can also partake of the pure joy that is the entirety of Parks and Recreation, it may go down in history as a necessary atrocity.
Maybe they’ll even bring back Bassem Youssef? 
Bringing The Family Together 
Pleading to your parents, begging them to up the household internet speed so you can game or left swipe through tinder faster doesn’t work so well. But, when you tell them about all the old, boring movies they love are available to watch anytime on Netflix that’ll change.
You better believe that they’ll throw money at the telecom company faster than you can say “bandwidth cap” so they can stream Omar Sharif flicks all the damn time and constantly bug you to get off the Playstation.
You and your siblings can soon look forward to becoming closer as a family, arguing over the Netflix queue.
Crippling Debt
Netflix requires a subscription. The subscription requires a credit card to pay it. Credit cards can be used on lots of other things besides Netflix. Maybe you need a new TV to enjoy all that sweet, sweet HD content being pumped into your veins. While you’re at it, you need a new device to stream that magical internet signal sa7? Never mind that dusty, dented, damn near archaic PS3 you might have lodged under the TV. And forget about plugging in your laptop to the TV, what are you going to check Facebook on while you absentmindedly watch the second season of Family Guy for the thousandth time? Buy a shiny new PS4, or an Apple TV. Worry about paying for it later, you have Netflix now, real life can always wait. Unless Netflix comes out with prepaid cards...
Not doing anything productive again, ever
Say goodbye to your friends, loved ones, and life in general. Not long after Netflix launches, an epidemic of people calling into work, saying that they’ve come down with a never before seen, as of yet unnamed flesh eating virus, will sweep the country. But in reality it's just so they can finish the last season of Breaking Bad after just starting the series a day or two before.
The second plague that could be visited on Egypt by the Old Testament style wiles of Netflix is the endless loop of “Listing”. This is where a poor soul spends all the free time they were going to use actually watching something on Netflix just adding things to their “List” for later viewing. The best remedy is: just be honest with yourself; you were never going to watch that documentary on how happy the people that live in Siberia are, no matter how many little stars it has.